Joke Central

[SparkyHappyGiraffe]

I made you mad!?

[C-guy]

I made you mad!?

All right, no lyin bout this one.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

[Doll]

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

Love it! I need the rest-please!

Here is a funny one:

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food has new and improved taste, who exactly is testing it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?).

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....).

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(No, really???)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Ok this deserves a "DUH!!")

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious. "...other use"?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Oh no it doesn't say what to do next....)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

[SparkyHappyGiraffe]

All right, no lyin bout this one.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

hahaha I've never heard that one!! Makes me sound smart!

[Mr. Smiley]

Once there were three girls riding in the box of a truck. One was a blonde, one a redhead and one a brunette. For some reason, the truck went out of control, drove into a lake, and sank out of sight. A few seconds later the brunette came up to the surface, followed closely by the redhead. While treading water the redhead asked the brunette what happend to the other girl, and right then the blonde came up to the surface. Breathing hard, she managed to say " Sorry I took so long, I had trouble getting the tailgate open."

[C-guy]

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!!

[C-guy]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[HannahJ.]

I made you mad!?

All right, no lyin bout this one.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

That's actually pretty funny.

[Doll]

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

[HannahJ.]

C-Guy: I've heard that joke except it was an old man and a gambler!

All right, how bout this one.

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bast----!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

LOL!!!

[Tea Ess]

What's green and smells like paint?

Green paint

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Oh no, I lost my tractor!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He let go.

As you can see, humor is not one of my strong points!

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

What's green and smells like paint?

Green paint

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Oh no, I lost my tractor!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He let go.

As you can see, humor is not one of my strong points!

I don't know why...but these made me laugh even though they weren't funny.

[Tea Ess]

Good! It's strange how jokes work, sometimes I will hear a good one, but never laugh, and other times, I hear ones like these, and can't stop laughing!

[The Old Judge]

Here's the IQ Test

The IQ Test

1).What's your name?

2).What's the color of the sky?

3).What's the opposite of down?

Now, say all three answers together.

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

Good! It's strange how jokes work, sometimes I will hear a good one, but never laugh, and other times, I hear ones like these, and can't stop laughing!

I know, right? Everything that is not very humorous is making me laugh like crazy tonight...its quiet strange.

And Old Judge, that was extremely corny and I've heard that joke like three billion trillion times from my little brothers...but I laughed when I read that anyways.

[Tea Ess]

Good corny one! I've actually never heard it before! I'll have to not tell my siblings, or I'll never hear the end of it!

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

Good corny one! I've actually never heard it before! I'll have to not tell my siblings, or I'll never hear the end of it!

That would be a good idea, T.S...but even though I hear it so often, it still catches me off guard and makes me laugh! I think its just the mind picture or something. Haha!

[The Old Judge]

One moment you're just standing there, then a cloud of smoke appears and POOF! You're gone.

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

Its actually a rather freakish thought. :O

[EugeneforPresident]

Why do birds fly south?

Because it is too far to walk.