Micky's writings!

[Mickey]

First of you should know I don't know all the characters timelines so if I put two characters together wrong or spell something wrong or something else wrong feel free to tell me I'll fix it
Also this in now the thread for all my stories! Also I am not very good so this is just practice!

CHRONICLES OF AMBROSIA

Jared ran his hand through his black hair, as he pulled into The Big A Hotel. This will be a great place for my investigation of Aliens From Ambrosia, he thought to himself. He pulled up to the mangers office and pounded on the door. The manger didn't answer. Maybe... he thought the manger's been abducted by... no Jared, he told himself maybe the manger at my old job was right he did fire me, maybe aliens aren't real. No he almost shouted of course their real.

''What's all this noise'', someone shouted.

''I need a room'', Jared answered.

A man Jared thought looked like Santa Clause, without the smile, stormed into the room, threw Jared a key and said,'' Don't leave without paying. I'd give you a lecture but it's six in the morning''.

Jared grabbed the key and drove his rusty gray car to room two-o-seven. The seat beside him was filled with junk food, the seat behind him was filled with spy tools. The trunk had two suit cases of clothes. He opened his his room to find rose wall paper, a rose border, a rose bed spread, and a rose chair.

Well what do think feel free to tell me your thoughts.

[Ameraka]

Interesting beginning. I like your descriptions--like the specific details like what Jared had in his car, the manager looking like 'Santa Claus' and the hotel that had roses on everything.

I was a little confused when you switched to first person in the second sentence--you might want to put Jared's thoughts in italics or at least put 'he thought' after that sentence so we know it's what he's thinking.

Also, manager was spelled like 'manger', and in this sentence "he thought the manger's bee abducted by" you probably want to put an 'n' on the 'bee'. Santa Claus is spelled without an e (unlike the movie )

I like your characterization of Jared; of course, he's paranoid--the perfect one to investigate in Ambrosia. Are there really aliens? Looking forward to finding out what happens next.

[John Henry]

Q: Why is Jared in here, but not Mike, Winnie, Spence, or Ben?

[Mickey]

All right chapter two
Meanwhile

''Trent,'' Mandy said,''Pacing up and down isn't going to find Jared. I'm sure he's just resting, took time of something like that.''

''I know Mandy, but he hasn't answered his phone for two days'', replied Trent.

''I know'', said Mandy comfortingly, ''But it's six in the morning, why not get some rest and think about when you've had some sleep''.

''I can't''! Trent said sounding tired and upset.

''Trent calm down; you'll wake up Dawn,'' Mandy was referring to there six moth old baby, with her fathers dark hair and mothers blue eyes she was very pretty.

''I know I'm sorry'', Trent said shamefully, ''But Jared has always been my big brother, yet I feel like somehow I'm the older one. When we we were kids Jared was always getting in trouble while felt like I was... was well cleaning up his messes''.

''I know but we have to go on, you can't keep cleaning up his messes you have three more years of school then you'll be Dr. Trent, you've been in school for five years you can't just through it away to be just.... just.... just a bay-sitter''! She was just as tired.Morning of getting up early and calling Jared, of Jared not answering. It had been a long two days.

''I know but I've got to find him,'' Trent was slumped in the blue second hand sofa in the blue living room.

''Alright,'' Mandy told herself, ''I've got to get a hold of myself, aloud she said, ''We're not getting anywhere by waking up early and both going away you to school and me to the daycare.''

''I know'', Trent said with a gleam of hope that was suddenly gone.

''Well?''

''I thought we could at least talk to the manager at Jared's old job. But with school''.... his voice trailed of.

''I...I could... could.... I could drive out and talk to the manager,'' Mandy said.

''Oh, Many I can't ask you to do that, he's my brother.''

Oh yes you can and will, said Mandy finally awake.

''But Mandy D.C. is three hours away'', Trent said worriedly.

''I know that's why we're leaving now.''

''We,'' asked Trent doubtfully?

Mandy rushed into the the pink nursery. Grabbed a very soft, brown blanket. Wrapped up Dawn
grabbed some pillows a blanket and ran to the car. Strapped Dawn in her car seat! Kissed Dawns' forehead and got in the front seat said goodbye to Trent. Made sure Dawn was fine. And left.

Well How was it!

Jh this is Jared DeWhite.

[TigerShadow]

Hmm...I'm not so sure about this characterization. Trent is more the insistent type; I can't see him doing a lot of yelling, even if he is under a lot of pressure. Mandy being more soothing is pretty on point, though. Also, if Trent is studying to get his doctorate, he doesn't get leave from school; one gets leave from a job.

I love the idea, which I've often considered myself, that Jared was the troublemaker and Trent the Younger Older Brother who was the more mature one. I also liked Mandy reminding him that he is an adult and doesn't have the time to try to help fix Jared's mistakes.

Grammar and spelling seem to be at issue here, and while mistakes don't automatically make the story bad, they do disrupt the flow of it. Some general hints:

When a character is speaking a line of dialogue and you end it with a comma, the comma goes inside of the quotation marks (so does any punctuation to end a line of dialogue). So '"I know", said Mandy comfortingly' becomes '"I know," Mandy said comfortingly.' In addition to that, when you follow a line of dialogue with a character's action instead of the narrative reading that they said it, end the line of dialogue with a period, not a comma. So for example: '''Trent calm down, you'll wake up Dawn'', Mandy was referring to there six moth old baby,' becomes '"Trent, calm down; you'll wake up Dawn." Mandy was referring to their six-month-old daughter.'

I would also watch your punctuation, especially periods and semicolons. You're going a bit heavy with the commas; use periods and semicolons where it is appropriate.

Sidebar: The idea of Trent and Mandy's daughter having dark hair and blue eyes really makes me happy; that's my headcanon for their daughter as well.

[Mickey]

Ok thanks I try to work on spelling punctuation ect. but I'm not good at that sort of thing. So you guys are a big help.

[TigerShadow]

Do you have a word processor, like Microsoft Word? That's really helpful, even if it isn't foolproof.

[Mickey]

Well we have something of the sort it underlines words spelled wrong but doesn't tell how to spell them.

[TigerShadow]

I'd either get Microsoft Word or do it the old-fashioned way—get someone to proofread your work, like one of your parents or a sibling. It's always good to get an outside perspective.

[Mickey]

Jared woke with sun streaming in. ''Well,'' he said, ''I'd better talk to the manager, and find a job.''

He dressed in a suit and tie. Makes me look more like a spy, he thought to himself. He walked over to the manager's office, and in the daylight he took a good look at the hotel. The buildings were all red brick. The buildings were placed in a half square. There was a small pool in the middle. The manager's office is nice, he thought. He walked in.

''Ah, my early bird,'' said a voice. ''How long you plan on staying?'' The man came out; he still looked like Santa Claus. This time he was smiling.

''Well, I don't know. Until I find a job and a house. You don't know of any, do you?''

"You could try the new department store. You know, some folks want this to stay a small town and others want to make this town big. I couldn't care less. Anyway, it's eighty dollars a night."

"Ok, thanks."

Meanwhile

"Come on Sarah, I'm gonna be late," Liz yelled from downstairs. The two girls were roommates. Sarah's dad had made it big in business. The two girls had a huge house for the two of them. Liz worked at the new department store. Sarah worked at The Last Chance Gas and Diner. And they were both late. They lived about half an hour from the town its self. They only had one car. So they had to leave at the same time. Finally Sarah was ready and the two girls left. Little did they know what an interesting day they would have.


Last edited by Ameraka on Wed Aug 20, 2014 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

All right how was that Shall I add some mystery.

[TigerShadow]

Much better, grammar-wise. I would be a bit more descriptive, though, especially with the last paragraph—ending with a description of the girls' occupation is rather abrupt.

So basically, Jared, Sarah, Liz, Mandy, and Trent are all going to wind up in Ambrosia? This could be interesting.

[Mickey]

Mandy picked up her cell phone and dialed the number of her boss: 135-666-923.

''Hello,'' said a voice on the other end.

''Hi, this is Mandy.''

''Oh, hi, darling,'' said a crooning voice.

''Uh, Jessica, I can't come into work today.''

''Why darling, honey, what's wrong? Is it Dawn or your husband uh...ah! Trent?''

''Well, Trent's brother disappeared--his big brother.''

''Now dear, why do you need to go chasing after Trent's big brother?''

''Oh, you wouldn't understand.''

Then they began to talk of other things.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared pulled his car up to the Horton department store. ''That name, it sounds familiar....No, it can't be. I'm sure it's aliens. This is the perfect trap. They're waiting for me now. When I walk in, they'll ambush me and take me captive. I know, I'll ambush them."

Jared ran around the back and sneaked through the bushes. And ran around the front, and then he raced in screaming. He grabbed the nearest person and and yelled, ''I got you, alien!''

''I ain't no alien, man.''

''Sir, you're coming with us." Two security guards walked up.

''Liz, there's a guy out there yelling about aliens and grabbing people," said Liz's security guard.

''I only know one person who would do that," Liz said, "but it couldn't be....Jared. Jared DeWhite.''

''You know this man?'' asked the security guard.

''Yes, this is Jared DeWhite."

''Well, what shall we do with him?'' asked the other guard.

''Let him go.'' Liz pulled Jared into her office that read MANAGER. ''Well, what do you have to say for yourself?''

''So this really isn't an alien cult?''

''Jared!''

''What?''

''So what are you doing here.?''

''Well, I kinda lost my job. And I moved here.''

''So you need a job, right?''

''Yeah.''

''Well, the lowest thing you start at is being a cashier, but we already have too many of those. So you can work in the shoe department. Talk to James. He's head of the department. He'll tell you what to do. Sarah and I take lunch at twelve. You want to come?''

''Sarah's here? Ah!!'' Jared started yelling.

''Jared, calm down. What's up? It's just Sarah. You grew up together.''

''Yeah, that's just the point.''

''Look, calm down. You don't have to come.

''I'll show you around in a bit. But I have work to do.'' Liz shoved him out of her office.

Jared walked toward the shoe department. Went to the guy with blond hair and steely blue eyes. His tag said JAMES.

''Hi, I'm Jared. I just started work here. Liz said you would would show me what to do.''

James spoke in a monotone. ''The shoes are divided between children and adults. Then they're divided by size and brand. You'll figure it out.''

''Sure.'' Jared's first customer was bigger than Santa Claus. She had on light blue high heels. And a fancy red dress.

''Hi there, young man. Could you help me find shoes to match this dress?'' She held out a BRIGHT yellow dress.

''Uh, here." Jared pointed to a pair of yellow sneakers.

''No, no, I don't wear sneakers. I must have high heels.'' Her voice was whiny and high.

''How about these?'' The heels were and inch or so high.

''No, too low.''

Jared tried a pair of yellow ones.

''I never wear sunshine yellow.''

He tried another pair.

''No, no, no.''

''Listen, lady, I'm not sure what your deal is, but I quit.'' Jared stormed off. He ran into Liz.

''What's going on?''

''That lady won't take any of the shoes I showed her.''

''That's Mrs. Jackson. She only wears blue shoes three-and-a-half inches tall.''

Sarah walked over and picked out a pair of blue high heels. Offered Mrs. Jackson a coupon. Then came back to Jared.

''Come, I'll give you the grand tour. By the way, always give Mrs. Jackson the newest pair of blue, three-and-a-half inch heels." They stopped in front of the Women's Accessories department.

''Ah, let's skip this," said Jared. "Wait, on second thought, I'd like to go in.''

Liz looked ahead and saw Sarah coming down the aisle. ''No, Jared, wait," yelled Liz.

How was this?

[Bethany Shepard]

I quite enjoyed it. It think you got Jared's character down well.

You should try and add in a little more description of where they are, how things look, how people felt, etc. But, I do love dialog. For me, you always win with dialog. Good job!

[Mickey]

Thanks. i need to figure out what will happen next

[Mickey]

Ok this should be more interesting then my other stories


''Mom, mom!'' Stephany yelled as she raced into the kitchen.

''Yes, dear,'' her mother answered as she munched a cheese sandwich.

"Look...look...read this letter," she gasped. Her curly blond hair was tangled, her blue eyes sparkled, and her cheeks were red from running the fourth mile from their mailbox.

''Here,'' her father said. He reached for the letter.

Dear Miss Lawson,

We write this letter to inform you that you have been chosen as the first student for the brand new school The Academy of the B.C.I. (The Bureau of Children Investigators).

You will study your normal classes as well as government classes. This school trains young government agents. Chief officer Joel Myers, of your New York Police Department has told us of the mysteries you have solved . I will arrive Tuesday 4 p.m.

Sincerely,

Sgt Huddleston

''Well, I am very proud of you, my dear,'' her mother said. Her mother's smile was very beautiful. Her curly dark hair hung around her shoulders.

Her father swung her around in his arms and said, "Well done! All those solved mysteries payed off."

Her older sister Helen was glaring, her blue eyes steely. And her golden blond hair stood on end.

Her older brother Jack smiled wide, his brown eyes shining; even his curly brown hair seemed to shine.

Tuesday was only tomorrow but Stephany thought it seemed like forever. She could hardly eat.

As she got ready for bed she wondered about the academy. Would there be other twelve-year-olds? Would she get a gun? Her mind was turning in circles when a hissing voice said:

''You can't be better then me! Haaaaa!'' The laugh made Stephany's skin crawl.

''Helen...Helen is that you?" Stephany whispered.

The laugh sounded again down the hall.

I have to find out who that was, thought Stephany.

[Okie]

Hmm...
I don't quite get it.
I can tell you really like describing how people's hair looks!