Joke Central

[ArnoldtheRubberDucky]

Ha ha ha! Did you get that from Craig Moorhead? He's the corny joke king!

[Wretched Sinner]

here's a funny one:

Jonathan had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Jonathan's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Jonathan used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Jonathan died.

He said, "You know, Jonathan handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

BAHAHA! That was hilarious and terrible all mixed together!

[Arkán Dreamwalker]

This one is somewhat lengthy and monotonous, but it's been in the family in a while.
There were three hunters who were friends, a smart one, a not-so-smart one, and a dumb one. They went out hunting. The not-so-smart and dumb hunters set up the tent while the smart one went out hunting. He came back with a deer. "How did you catch that?" asked the others. He answered, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I caught a deer." The smart one and the dumb one started a fire, while the not-so-smart one went out. Shortly he came back with a rabbit. "How did you catch that?" asked the others. He answered, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I caught a rabbit.” The stupid hunter then went out, and came back all hurt and bloody. “How did you get all hurt and injured?” asked the others. He answered, “I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I got hit by a train.”

[Nelson S.]

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why couldn’t the blonde call 911?

Because there’s no 11 on the phone.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

To remind themselves that toes go in first.

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

Did you hear about the blonde who almost killed her toy poodle?

She tried to insert batteries.

[Suzy Lou Foolish]

Haha, Ben! Those we're pretty funny!

[Smile Awhile]

There was a woman who went to a pet store. She asked for a pet bird. "Right this way," said the saleswoman. When they got to the bird section, the woman saw a cage that was all dark inside.
"What kind of bird is that?"
"Oh. That's a crunchbird. You don't want that."
"Why? what's a crunchbird?"
"I'll show you," said the saleswoman. She got this giant glove and reached into the cage. She brought out a giant black bird. She said, "Crunchbird, that bush over there." The bird flew over and completely tore up the bush and flew back to the woman.
"Wow! Can I see that again?"
"Sure. Crunchbird, that metal trash can." Once again, the bird flew over and completely tore the can to shreds.
"I'll take it!!!"
When she got home, her husband was there. "WHAT IS THAT?!?"
" It's a crunchbird."
" How much did you pay for that?"
" Two hundred dollars."
" FOR A BIRD?!?"
" It's a special bird!"
" Yeah, right.

Crunchbird my rear end!"

[Stella C.]

Ok ok, a blonde walked into an electronic store, went up to the the person at the counter, and asked, "Sir, may I buy that T.V.?" The man, in turn, replied, "Sorry ma'am, we don't seel that kind to blondes." Horrified, she went to a salon and dyed her hair green. Going back, she again asked the man, "Now, may I buy that T.V.??" The man, again replied, "Sorry ma'am, we don't sell that kind to blondes." Horrified again, she returns to the salon, and dyes her hair red. Entering the store again, she asked "NOW may I buy that T.V.???" But, again, the man replied, "Afraid not, we don't sell that kind to blonde's" Now, fuming, she goes back to the salon and dyes her hair purple. Once more, she went back to the appliance store and asked, "Sir" she pauses "Now may I buy that T.V.?????!" The man, once again, said "No ma'am we don't sell those to blondes." "Fuming and horrified, the blond replied, "I've died my hair three different colors, WHY can't you sell that to me????" The man, after staring at her for a second, pointed at the machine and said,

Ma'am, that's a microwave

[godisawesomeness99]

A man walks into a bar and says ouch. Ba dum crash

[Tea Ess]

Even though I never have anything to contribute, I command that everyone who reads this post contribute something to amuse me.

[Metal15]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One of the muffins says "Gee, it sure is hot in here..." The other says, "Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!!!"

[GratiaDei]

Here's one: A pastor is taking a trip, but on the way back, his car breaks down. He has something urgent he needs to go to that evening, so he knocks on the door of a nearby farmhouse to ask for a horse. The farmer agrees to lend him one and brings out his fastest horse. "But there's a trick with this one." he says, "To go, just say, 'Praise the Lord!' and to stop just say, 'Amen!'" The pastor assures the farmer that he remembers and sets out. A few hours later, the horse sees a snake on the road and gets spooked. He runs into the woods by the road. The pastor is terrified and forgets how to make the horse stop, so he starts praying. At the end he says, "Amen!" And the horse stops. The farmer opens his eyes and looks around. He is on the edge of a very steep cliff. He looks down far below and wonders that he was so close to falling. He throws his arms up in the air and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

[Metal15]

BAH HA HA, good one GratiaDei! That was awesome, feel sorry for the dude, though, lol. O_O

[godisawesomeness99]

Here's one: A pastor is taking a trip, but on the way back, his car breaks down. He has something urgent he needs to go to that evening, so he knocks on the door of a nearby farmhouse to ask for a horse. The farmer agrees to lend him one and brings out his fastest horse. "But there's a trick with this one." he says, "To go, just say, 'Praise the Lord!' and to stop just say, 'Amen!'" The pastor assures the farmer that he remembers and sets out. A few hours later, the horse sees a snake on the road and gets spooked. He runs into the woods by the road. The pastor is terrified and forgets how to make the horse stop, so he starts praying. At the end he says, "Amen!" And the horse stops. The farmer opens his eyes and looks around. He is on the edge of a very steep cliff. He looks down far below and wonders that he was so close to falling. He throws his arms up in the air and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

my dad and I love that joke, except it's a little different

[Mickey]

Here you can post funny jokes

[MilkandEggs]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get the other side

[John Henry]

Why are the numbers afraid of Seven?

Because seven eight nine!

[HomeschoolCowgirl]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

[John Henry]

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Lionel.
Lionel Who?

Lionel Roar if you don't feed him

[Mickey]

Haaa!!! How do you win a blond in a fight

grab one leg and tell her to kick!