The
Forum Awards 3
Welcome
to the third annual (or if you'd prefer "eventual") Forum Awards
Ceremony. Fans have submitted their ramblings and it's time to reveal each
participant's entry, as well as which of them were creative enough to win.
Occasionally,
AIO fans say the darndest things. This Forum Awards took a new twist this
time. The
comedic and opinionated Jared Walczak, critic of each participant's entry,
no longer wished to continue making others laugh. Instead, this version of
the Forum Awards will be judged by the webmaster, Jacob Isom. Each entry is
placed in descending order, and the three top winners' entrees have been
commented. Let the Eugene-Speak begin!
Eugene-Speak
Awards (July/August 2002)
SUBMISSION
10th of 10
By
Bradford
Goodridge (Georgia)
The Odyssey police told me that my car was the getaway car. I was shocked. Why my car? When I got to the police station I looked at my car and a weird kind of dirt that usually isn't on my car. And I normally don't see that kind of dirt. The dirt was whitish-yellow and it was easy to see. The police said to me that need to hold on to my car for a few days so they can look for clues and fingerprints. Jenny was really upset about the whole thing, because she kidnapped. Man! Criminals have no brain.
SUBMISSION
9th of 10
By
James
(New Zealand)
When the police informed me that my automotive had been used (without my permission,
I might add) by personages (unknown to me) who had recently been involved in an unlawful and criminal activity, I was discombobulated.
SUBMISSION
8th of 10
By
Rilla
(Ohio)
The Odyssey local law enforcement told me that my automobile was the escape vehicle. I was perplexed. Why would they apprehend my car? When I got to the constabulary office I examined my car thoroughly and noticed that there was a mysterious dirt that usually isn't in my motor vehicle. I have a skillful eye for unusual things so I easily saw the dust. The powder was whitish-yellow and it stood out remarkably in the car. The police told me that they will detain my car for at least a few days so they can check it out for evidence. Miss Jennifer was rather upset at the whole predicament, seeing that she was abducted. Indeed! Delinquents have no judge of character.
SUBMISSION
7th of 10
By
John
Amrhein (Michigan)
The local law enforcement agency informed me that my vehicle had been utilized as the getaway car. I was unable to comprehend their motives. Why would thieves pilfer my automobile? After arriving at the law enforcement office, I inspected my vehicle and discerned an unusual type of dust not normally found on its body. I of course instantly noticed this minute detail since I have a knack for picking up on such subtleties. The dust was a chalky chartreuse color which contrasted with the darker paint on my automobile. The police officer informed me that the department would have to keep my vehicle under its jurisdiction for a minimum of 48 hours in order to thoroughly inspect it for evidence. Jennifer was naturally quite distressed over the entire situation due to her kidnapping. I just can't comprehend it. Apparently criminals are completely devoid of the facilities needed to judge ones character.
SUBMISSION
6th of 10
By
Agent
503X
The
police force of this city (which is from the French cité and the Latin
civitas) of Odyssey enunciated to my person that my vehicular device, which
is equipped with four wheels, five seats, a steering wheel and other various
amenities, was employed as, to borrow the colloquialism, a getaway car. I
was most bewildered. For what reason would anyone determine to filch my
Sedan? When I arrived at the law enforcement office, I surveyed my
automobile and to my dismay, discovered that it was no longer in the state
of pristine cleanness in which I had last seen it. In fact it was, to be
precise, quite filthy! Since my organ of vision (which contains the aqueous
humor, eyeball, iris, lens, pupil, retina, fovea, and vitreous humor)
operates at peak condition during most of my waking hours, I noticed the
soiled condition of my vehicle’s exterior without difficulty. The soil
was, as strange as this may sound to your auricular cavities, ivory in color
and was obvious as it rested on my vehicular machine. The police informed me
that my automobile must remain in their possession for the next 72-144 hours
(4,320-8,640 minutes if you prefer) so they can examine it further.
Guinevere was extremely agitated by the complete state of affairs since she
was taken hostage. Divine bovine! Crooks cannot distinguish a person by
their temperament.
SUBMISSION
5th of 10
Joseph
Paul (Iowa)
I
must now confess that my mind is in a state of shock, confusion, and general
disorder, and has been that way since I received a message from the
authorities of this town in which I live, Odyssey. Was my four wheeled means
of transportation actually used as the means of escape for thee dangerous
criminals? And even if this could be proven to be 100% truth and fact, my
mind still fails to grasp a motive for them to choose my automobile, (a 1979
Ford, which I purchased to replace my bike, after I completed my drivers
training. Mainly to use on my excursions between Whit's End, and the
Campbell County Community Collage, which I have been attending for the last 9
years.) rather than choosing the automobile next to mine, which was
undoubtedly in far better condition than mine. Was it by random chance? I
think not. Not long after receiving a call from the police, I set out across
the campus toward the police headquarters, where my car had been towed only
moments before. When I arrived I immediately began searching for anything out
of the ordinary. I do not wish to brag, but I have been known to have an
exceptionally good eye for such things. Therefore, I was not at all
surprised to find something that the detectives had obviously missed. There
was a relatively thick layer of dust in many key locations on my automobile,
particularly the wheel wells, and bumpers. I also noticed that the color of
the dust was most unusual. Most dust that I encounter between my College,
and place of work is much darker in color, however this particular dust was
pale yellow in color, and more resembled the yeast (which is always being
over used in the College cafeteria) than the dark fertile dirt that can
normally be found on my automobile. Since my car is dark blue in color, the
dust could easily be seen, even from a distance. The authorities informed me
that they must keep the car for the time being to acquire more information,
and hopefully acquire some valuable information as to the whereabouts of the
criminals. Jenny Rodgers was in a similar state of mind as I was, when she
was returned to her residence earlier, after being held by the criminals for
several hours. The entire male specimen of humanity! (To borrow the colloquialism), These thieves have no knowledge of human character!
SUBMISSION
4th of 10
By
Jill (Indiana)
The Official Police Force of the small town of Odyssey, (which is now my place of residence, while I am diligently attempting to earn a college degree at Campbell County Community College) had just divulged the fact that they believed that my automobile had been used as an escape vehicle in the robbery of my dorm room and perhaps the theft at the small reputable shop, just around the corner from Whit's End, my current place of occupation, "Holstein's Books." I was in a considerable state of upset. Why in the world, to borrow the colloquialism, would anyone, criminal or otherwise, purloin my automobile? When I arrived at the official headquarters of the Odyssey police, I turned my attention to my engine-powered vehicle, noticing an extremely odd type of soil that is not
commonly found upon one of my forms of transportation, namely, my truck. I happen to have been gifted at birth with an excellent eye for observing things that are different, or out of place, so it was not difficult to spot the strange dust coating the outside of my automobile. It was in varying shades of eggshell, white, and yellow, making it relatively easy to distinguish on my vehicle, which is of a dark coloration.
Captain Quinn, of the Odyssey Police Force, informed me that alas! They must hold custody of my motor transportation for what seems like an age to me, although in reality is but a few days so they can examine it thoroughly for anything pertaining to the case. Poor Miss Roberts was extremely agitated at the
entire scenario, seeing as how the devious villains had abducted her not yet 48 hours ago. Homo sapiens! Those certain individuals whom commit illegal acts of crime, have absolutely no
judgment skills of the character and personality of any human entity.
SUBMISSION
3rd of 10- 3rd
Place!
By
Tim
Peterson (New York)
I was informed by the officers of the peace who patrol Odyssey that my current multi-passenger motorized vehicle had been recently, and, I might add, without my knowledge, employed for the transportation of several transgressors away from the locality of their most recent infringements of the law. I was in a state of great befuddlement as to why the crooks chose to purloin my automobile in particular, as opposed to one of the myriad other transportation vehicles at rest nearby. Upon my arrival at the local police station, I proceeded to examine my vehicle thoroughly, and I shortly discovered an unfamiliar variety of soil upon the floor of my car, which I do not recall observing on my many prior ventures about this locale. My ocular photonic imaging organs are well-trained in the discerning and differentiating of natural things from the un-natural, which allowed me to readily ascertain the presence the aforementioned unknown earthy substance. The presence of the
foreign particulate matter within my vehicle was readily apparent due to its hue, which was a peculiar shade of whitish-yellow. The officers informed me they must retain my car for the duration of several rotations of the Earth about its axis, in order to allow the governmental specialists in crime scene investigation ample time to, to borrow the colloquialism, "go over it with a fine-toothed comb". Jenny was quite distressed due to the nature of the recent occurrences involving her, including, but not limited to, her apprehension by the evildoers who also appropriated my automobile for their own use. Malefactors apparently lack the capability to appraise the reputation of those whom they exploit.
Why
the Award Is Given: Congratulations, Tim! Your literary Eugene
translation topped most of the others. Even though you didn't win second
or first place, your piece was well written and it accurately portrayed
the episode The Perfect Witness. I have always been impressed by
your word usage. You have a very impressive vocabulary.
SUBMISSION
2nd of 10 - 2nd
Place!
By
Joshua
Shelly
Today
I, Eugene Meltsner, was notified by the law enforcement of this municipality
of Odyssey that my four-wheeled personal passenger vehicle was
utilized—adopting layman’s vernacular—to flee the scene of an
infraction of the law. To my utter astonishment, the very malefactors who
held up the bookshop of the world renowned (well, locally anyway)
bibliopole, Mr. Holstein, were also the criminals who absconded with my
automobile. The prior assertion induced an extreme state of perplexity in my
already fragile mental state. The fragility already existent in my cerebrum
in advance of the just disclosed revelation was prompted by the discovery
that my conveyance vehicle was purloined. What could have impelled those
mizzlers to pilfer the automobile that was currently in my possession? Why,
especially, since the proposed target of the crime, Holstein’s Books, was
located at the opposite end of Odyssey? *Sigh* Ah, well, who can comprehend
the vagaries of a criminal’s thoughts and deeds? Anyway, the police
station rang my telephonic communication device. Anxiously awaiting
communication concerning the whereabouts of my vehicle, I snatched my
receiver upwards and answered on the first ring. They relayed to my that my
motor vehicle had been recovered and summoned me to their offices. I
speedily departed from my residence and journeyed there with the assistance
of an autobus. Immediately upon my arrival, I was escorted to my compact. (I
had to restrain myself from darting forward and embracing it.) Instead, I
began a thorough scrutinization of it during which I perceived a clay-like
substance affixed to the exterior. It was foreign to the region in which I
normally traverse so I observed the grime with considerable facility.
Likewise, I possess keen ocular instruments—ocular, of course, pertaining
to the eye. {Existing before A. D. 900 as the Middle English eie or ie and
the Old English ege, which is a variety of eage. The aforementioned being
cognate with the Old Saxon oga, the Old High German ouga, the Old Norse auga;
all of these being akin to the Latin oculus and the Greek ops.} The soil was
between cream and ivory in hue and was indeed conspicuous upon the tenebrous
backdrop supplied by my automobile. The enforcers of the law then informed
me that the retention of my vehicle in order to investigate further for
evidence was absolutely necessary. Therefore the availability of my normal
means of transportation is in temporary abeyance. I may have to purchase a
new velocipede since my last two-wheeled cycle was destroyed in a most
unfortunate accident near Campbell County Community College. By the way,
Miss Jennifer Roberts was exceedingly distressed by the entire concatenation
of events. It is completely understandable considering her abduction by
those kidnapers. Homo Sapiens! The obloquial actions of those pusillanimous
lawbreakers reveals that they can’t discern the true makeup of a person.
They presupposed that Mr. Holstein was of lower intelligence and would not
think to install a secret alarm. Similarly, they assumed that Jennifer would
be an ideal captive due to her non-operational visual faculties, but I
understand that a detective will be calling upon her before any substantial
amount of time has transpired. The police seem to believe that Miss Roberts
can furnish them with vital details about the criminals. We all hope that
they will not be, to borrow the colloquialism, be on the loose much longer
but will be seized posthaste.
Why
the Award Is Given: Joshua, I am very pleased to honor you with this
special 2nd place ribbon! Thank you for participating, and congratulations.
When I judged the Forum Awards I wasn't going by the length of each piece. I
was looking for creativity and quality. However, as the judging came to a
close I noticed that yours was a longer piece than most, after I had
dubbed yours as a winner. You had few grammatical errors that needed
correcting, but I wasn't worried about that. Many of the entrees were
startlingly taking the same twist. Eugene would start off talking about what
happened to his car, and then he would ask "Why would someone do
that?" in his Eugenish language. Even though you did ask something
similar to that, I enjoyed the way you created the question. All points in
your piece portray a good vocabulary on your part, and I'm pleased to
present this award.
SUBMISSION
1st of 10 - 1st
Place!
By
Frank P. (Pennsylvania)
An officer of the police force of the beautiful hamlet known as Odyssey, where I currently hold residence, informed me that my automobile, a carmine nineteen ninety-five Ford Motor Company Tauros, was utilized in a recent felony to vacate the vicinity posthaste, and weave an even more complicated web of deceit around the mystery because the
license digits do not agree with the license criminal driver of the automobile at the time of the crime, nor have they been granted permission by the actual owner, causing the authorities more difficulties in their investigation. I was in a state of utter confusion. Why would these criminals select my automobile to escape from the
premises after performing this nefarious deed? When I arrived at the offices currently utilized to house the headquarters of the Odyssey police force, I began to examine my automobile and quickly noticed some oddly-colored dirt that normally was not present on the motor vehicle. I am no neophyte to
excessive observation, so it was merely a nanosecond before the dust, to borrow the colloquialism, “ensnared my organ of vision and light perception consisting of numerous tissues including the fovea, sclera, choroid, retina, ciliary body, posterior chamber, anterior chamber, cornea, lens, iris,
suspensory ligament, conjunctiva and vitreous humor,” or in even simpler terms, “caught my eye.” The odd hue, a mixture of white and yellow, caused the earth to be easily distinguishable from the scarlet exterior of the automobile. I exclaimed, “Eureka!” a word commonly utilized by inventors and scientists to signify that they have discovered for what they were searching, and explained the discovery to the police officer assisting my investigation of the motor vehicle. Then he explained to me that the laboratory technicians would need several more twenty-four hour periods of time to investigate this new find, and scour the automobile for more evidence, such as fingerprints, or
strands of Deoxyribonucleic Acid, which are extremely long macromolecules that are the main component of chromosomes and are the material that transfer genetic characteristics in all life forms, constructed of two nucleotide strands coiled around each other in a
ladder-like arrangement with the sidepieces composed of alternating phosphate and deoxyribose units and the rungs composed of the purine and pyrimidine bases adenine, guanine, cytosine, and thymine. Ms. Roberts, more commonly known as Jenny, was extremely distraught by the entire quandary, and one can easily comprehend the reason: the lass was compelled to become a hostage by those ne’er-do-wells, nay, ruffians! Homo
sapien (Which is, as you may or may not know, the scientific name for a human being and is the equivalent to the Latin phrase “Man of Knowledge.” It is often utilized as an interjection, especially when a situation is not progressing in one’s favor, as is this current mystery, which involves many instances
where one would enunciate this phrase, though when these foreign language neophytes pronounce it they utilize the more common, English form, “Man,” which may be interchanged with other interjections such as “Rats,” “Drat,” "Fudge," and several others which I do not think would be appropriate to share with you, because of their profane nature.)! Those fiends are void of the ability to judge one’s personality.
Why
the Award Is Given: Wow, Frank! Your entree really took the cake! Not
only did you write your piece in an extraordinary way, you also attacked
it at an entirely different angle than the others. I especially enjoyed
your usage of words most people have never heard before, and also your
ramblings about scientific matters. I felt as if I was, in fact, listening
to Eugene. Your way of attacking Eugene's vision for a small amount of
time was superb. Congratulations, Frank! You are the first place winner of
the Forum Awards 3!
Thank
you all for participating. You all did a wonderful job in your Eugene
Translations. Please don't feel offended if you didn't win. Every piece was
good and it's a lot of stress to judge these awards!
Jacob
Isom
"The
Judge"
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