John Whittaker, a Cow and An Ad Slogan
By Jared Walczak
| March 30, 2002
You know the situation.
You’re sitting on the couch munching on popcorn and watching John Whittaker
– terribly drunk – ride his new horse – a dairy cow – through the Mayberry
courthouse (okay, okay, Hal Smith was playing Otis, not Whit…), when the
scene fades out and an exhilarating advertisement for a new and improved
dish cleaner. Improved after
years of hard work in the laboratories – and oh the change.
The bottle is now green, not yellow – well worth the dollar markup.
After all, the product is only four dollars – add twenty-eight dollars
shipping and handling – and “but wait; buy in the next ten minutes and you
get this amazing scrub brush absolutely free!”
But I’m not writing about soap commercials.
After the soap commercial is over, you are awed by the amazing new product
that actually enables you to – what an improvement! – make one pancake at a
time instead of the boring and customary making four at a time in a frying
pan.
But I’m not writing an article about that either.
Just keep reading and eventually I’ll come to a point or something – if I
come across one as I type.
Now we come to the final commercial before we
get to see Otis fall off the wagon – I mean horse – no, I mean cow.
And this final advertisement is, in this instance, for a state or city.
“Come to North Dakota,” pleads the ad in a desperate attempt to get you and
your family up there – which would of course double the state’s population.
Or maybe it’s for New Mexico: “Come enjoy New Mexico!
We have sand… and sand… and plenty of heat… and then some sand!”
Or maybe for North Carolina: “See our beaches,
climb our sand dunes, scream with pleasure when you spy a dolphin, scream
with pain when a large stingray spies you.”
Or perhaps the city of Los Angeles: “Tour the city, eat breakfast in
Chinatown, lunch in Little Italy, and dinner if you can find your way
through the smog.”
And what does this have to do with Odyssey?
Nothing. Oh wait, it does have
something to do with it! Sort
of…
I was wondering…
But my thoughts are wandering…
If Odyssey ran an ad campaign, what would it
say? What about the town would
they highlight? What would they
hide from the general public?
Would visitors like the town or hate it?
When their thoughts turned to war, would they visit the War Memorial or call
their congressman about declaring war on the town?
 If
Eugene Meltsner returned to Odyssey and was given the task of crafting the
commercial script, perhaps these words would travel over the airwaves.
[Editor, fill in Eugene-speak ‘cause I ain’t a-soundin like him today iff’n
youns know what I mean]
But if Bernard were responsible for part of
the ad, you might hear: “Well cover me with water and call me a fiord…
you’re coming to Odyssey! After
one look at this town, you’ll tell all your friends that you haven’t been
this excited since your sq – uh, since you had your thorns removed!
That’s because you strayed off the beaten path and right into a thorn bush,
I’d say. Anyways, come to
Odyssey and have a good time!
And if you need your windows washed…”
But that wouldn’t sell very well.
Then again, the truth would be even worse.
Because a truthful ad, while telling about the wonderful things the whole
family can enjoy – assuming they find great pleasure in eating quart after
quart of ice cream, visiting the Connellsville Zoo and enjoying the
small-town atmosphere, where kids are safe to play throughout the
neighborhood by the age of four and everyone in town can be trusted – except
on every eighth year. Because
you see, Odyssey is like a locust.
Huh? Well, like a 17-year
locust. They hibernate for 17
years, then infest everything for a few months.
After that, they die. With
Odyssey, the cycle is more frequent.
It’s a sleepy town for eight years, then the criminal masterminds – the
Professor Moriarty’s or perhaps the Harry Lime’s of the world – awake,
infest the town destroying everything they can for a few months, then die
off.
It must be a sight to behold!
Imagine being an innocent tourist watching as material for biological
weapons is nearly obtained, as chemicals play into another plot of evilness
and otherwise non-niceness.
What’s next? Someone
detonating a nuclear bomb inside Whit’s End because Aubrey gave him
incorrect change?
Some people try to stay away from the big
cities – it’s too dangerous, they say – I submit to you that there is no
more dangerous place to be than around John Avery Whittaker, a virtual
magnet for crime. Which makes
Whit’s End a dangerous place.
And in turn Odyssey is dangerous.
And as KYDS Kid’s Radio plays Candid Conversations with Connie re-runs
through the Whit’s End speakers, the show is interrupted by a menacing laugh
and a low voice, saying, “Who knows what evil LURKS in the booths of Whit’s
End?” The kids gasp and Whit
says the ice cream is on the house in an attempt to restore a happy mood and
make the kids forget what they heard.
The kids react as you would expect kids to – they ran out of Whit’s end
towards their homes, whipping by passing traffic… they had to get home… they
had to before… before… before the ice cream melted in the hot sun and
dripped through the gap in the shingles and turned into pools of strawberry
ice cream in the attic. After
all, that’s what happened last time Whit put ice cream on the house!
Wait – did I have a topic?
Oh well, who needs topics?
Until next time, enjoy licking the ice cream off the rafters, stay away from
Odyssey and avoid any mail from Moustaffa, Blackgaard, Charles or Glossman
and assume it is a bomb unless otherwise noted.
(“This is not a bomb” written in marker with a wire punctuating the “o” in
bomb is adequate proof that the package is safe.)
Wait – I did have a topic!
Odyssey ad slogans and such!
And I promised you one that was the work of a genius – Eugenius.
Unfortunately, I promised myself that I wouldn’t resort to thinking during
the writing of this article.
And Whit, get off that cow!
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