A small town sleeps as the town hall clock's
hour hand slowly creeps towards five o'clock in the morning. Not a dog barks. An owl
scans the town before the crack of dawn. Suddenly, the town awakens. Businessmen awake,
grab their briefcases, and rush off. The quiet sleeping town is suddenly transformed into
a quiet not-sleeping town. A few people mill in the streets as the sun finally rises and a
new day has begun. The stillness of the morning, in which the only sound is the rhythmic
sound of a handful of cars and the far away sound of a train crossing a trestle. Suddenly,
a new sound is heard. The running of feet, the shouting in the street. Selling the paper
to all he can meet, his slogan he knows and will always repeat. (Hey, I rhyme!) The
paperboy shouts with the fullness of the strength of his larynx, "Extra,
Extra. Whit's weight called into question! Read all about it! Extra, Extra!"
That didn't happen.
But I don't care.
Since I whet your appetite (if I didn't, you
may submit a complaint. To do so, type in www.aioweb.com
in your address bar, then listen to all the Odyssey Radio Broadcasts, then you may send a
complaint using the contact form…), we'll briefly discuss the weight of Whit.
What does Whit weigh? Let us carefully weigh the facts.
Facts:
1.) Whit is fat
2.) He needs a diet
3.) He is not on a diet
4.) Therefore, he remains fat
Now that we have covered the essential facts of the
case, let's move on to testimonies to prove our facts.
Testimonies:
1.) Kathy Wierenga says Whit is fat.
2.) Nathan Hoobler says Whit is fat.
3.) We have multiple testimonies as to Whit dining
on Twinkies.
4.) In the drawings, books and movies Whit is fat,
as anyone can attest to.
What else do you need? Testimony from Orin Hatch?
Hey, Al Gore is available to testify to absolutely anything, whether truthful or not. All
that is required is a small fee for his time and services. This fee is usually around
$50,000. Need someone different? Mr. Cli – scratch that; he doesn't deserve the
title Mister. Bill Clinton is available for $200,000+ per engagement. No matter that he
has never heard of a "Whit" and couldn't care a whit about him. (Ha!
Wasn't that good! Whit and whit! Aren't you proud of me! No? Oh.) Money can
handle that.
Back on topic – by the way, I ramble a lot, do
I not?
What is Whit's actual weight? The writers have
chosen not to divulge this information out of a respect for Whit, who doesn't want
the whole world to know his weight problem. We can only speculate as to the exact weight
of Whit, but I believe it would be save to say that he is 205 give or take 100 pounds or
so. As to his exact weight, one predominant question sticks in my mind (Nothing else
remains there; I lost the rest long ago): why do we CARE if Whit is overweight?
There is an answer. There always is. Every question
has an answer. Except the ones that don't. Why do we care? Because we're fans!
Because we're crazy! Because we have a lot of time on our hands. Because we put our
best foot forward and hope that Whit doesn't step on it, making chills run up our
spine as his immense weight resides on our foot. And we wonder why Tom Riley once said,
"Chills just ran up and down my spine, Whit." We always thought he was angry
because of Richard Maxwell. Maybe it was simpler: Whit accidentally stepped on his foot.
If it hurts when a horse steps on you, think of the results of WHIT stepping on you. Oh,
so sorry. That is sooo rude! Whit isn't that fat! No! But, while we're talking
about Tom Riley, why did he announce that chills went up and down his spine? That seems
kind of strange. I mean, do you announce everything that happens to you? For an
illustration of why this is strange, allow me to submit the following completely made up
dialogue:
WHIT: Tom, I just noticed that my blood is flowing
throughout my entire body.
TOM: Chills just ran up and down my spine, Whit!
WHIT: I just noticed a half-degree change in my body
temperature.
TOM: Chills just ran up and down my spine, Whit!
WHIT: I have been thinking about horses.
TOM: Chills just ran up and down my spine, Whit!
Anyways….
Going back to what this article is about, (please
hold on a moment as I re-read part of my article to see what it is about…) let's
continue discussing Whit. What can be done about him? Should we start a club for him? Whit
Weight Watchers Not-So-Anonymous? No; he wouldn't attend. Then again, we could still
watch him, not that it would do any good.
Another option, this time much more viable, is to
find a well-known good Odyssey cook to offer to cook for him for a month. Once he accepts,
no doubt thinking of prime ribs, chicken dishes, ham and egg breakfasts and such, have the
cook bring him Sandwiches by Connie, along with a desert of Cookies by Connie. This is
guaranteed to ruin absolutely anyone's appetite. The only flaw in this plan is that
Whit could go buy or make his own lunch. After all, he does own a soda shop. Therefore, I
guess we can scratch this one as well.
Encourage him to start a vigorous exercise program?
I doubt it would work, as he already seems to be in shape. That doesn't make sense,
but I never let sense interfere with my writing, and apparently neither do the Odyssey
writers. Whit jogs, hikes, camps, fishes, travels, gardens, and even skydives. What else
could you ask for? So just forget about this one.
The fool-proof way to make Whit lose weight
is….
I KNOW YOU CAN'T WAIT!
(That's why I'm forcing you to!)
You ready for this?
Really?
Ok, here it is. The foolproof solution is to realize he's only a radio drama
character and just drop this crazy concern. But that solution would require common sense
on behalf of myself and the other Odyssey fans. This is too much to ask. Never mind about
this one!
What conclusions can be drawn from this long and
strange article?
CONCLUSIONS:
1.) I easily get off track.
2.) Tom talks strange sometimes
3.) Oh yeah, I almost forgot…Whit is fat.
So, we have successfully concluded that Whit is at
least slightly overweight. But I was thinking about it. Whit is a great character. I like
him, and he's better fat. More of him that way! But if Wooten were fat, I would go
crazy. "That Wooten is so fat that he weighs a lot," I would shout. (Hey,
it's sensible, hey. And I am never repetitious I am not.) "Can you believe how
big Wooten is?" I would query. "Ha ha, he's so fat," I would laugh.
And if it were Nick Mulligan I would say with a smile, "Soon he'll be larger
than Tiny the elephant!" But not with Whit. (And I am not insinuating that he has
already surpassed Tiny the elephant!) He's too good. A fat Whit is the best Whit. But
I'm not biased, am I?
Oh, and Whit…
Lay off the Twinkies.
------------
Disclaimer: This is written tongue-in-cheek. While I
made fun of a lot of different things, it was all in fun. I do like Whit! And I
somewhat like Nick Mulligan. Wooten? No comment.
