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I wanted to post some of my book to see what you guys think. I've even based some of the characters on some of you guys. Rose is Stella, Luke is Ryan cummings, Lily is Pen, Ruby is Suzy, Noah is wooten, Will [the minister] is Ben.



Rose sat in the rocking chair wondering if anyone would come to her new clinic.No one seemed to want a woman docter in town.The whole town just about shunned her when she first came with her 10 year old sister,Lily.And this was the only place they could go to.Rose's mother had died when Lily was born and her father was killed in a train accident just the year before so Rose was on her own.The whole idea of going into medical school was her grandmothers,at least she said she should become a nurse.The whole docter idea was completely Rose's.Rose had always been independent so proving to the world she could become a docter was a challenge she was willing to take on.Just as Rose had almost fallen asleep the train had arrived in town and was making way to much noise."Ugh,just when a girl tries to get some sleap."Rose thought.Rose looked out the window and was shocked to see a man laying on the ground on conscience."Quickly get that woman docter out here!" someone shouted. Rose ran as fast as she could to see what had happened. "What happened to him,Mr. lawson?" she asked the store clerk."I don't know,he was talking then just passed out.He's also bleeding in his arm and has lost alot of blood,Doc." Mr.Lawson looked sick when he was explaining the whole thing. "Quickly get him inside! He could die if he loses anymore blood!" Mr.Lawson gently picked him up and followed Rose into the clinic. Lily was inside and screamed when she saw the young man."Lily, hurry help me by getting some clean cloth!"Rose wanted to scream at her,this young man might die if they didn't hurry."Here,Rose," Lily handed her some cloth.Rose quickly wrapped it up to stop the blood."I'm surprised he's still alive with that much blood lost. He's a fighter i'll say that" Mr. Lawson said,still looking sick. "Are you alright Mr.Lawson? You look like you might be ill." "Oh i'll be fine,Rose.You know how i get at the sight of blood." Rose laughed."Yes i do,but if anything is wrong you come on in here.You know i'll always help." "Alright i'll do that. Well i best be going now before i really get sick." He laughed as he walked out the door. Lily looked at the young man with her green eyes sparkling.Rose had to admit,the man was handsome, but she couldn't have her little sister falling for some stranger.'He could be a robber or something.' Rose thought. Just as she was going to speak the young man opened his eyes and panicked."Who are you?Where am I and why is my arm wrapped up?" "Hush now.I am Docter Rose Peterson and this is my little sister Lily.You are in my clinic and your arm is wrapped up because you were bleeding.Before you keep on panicing,why don't you tell us your name?" He still looked scared but then calmed down a little."Your the doctor?" He smirked, "That must be a joke." That got Rose as mad as a hornet,she didn't wanna yell but that just got her to the point of screaming."Why would that be a joke? A woman can do the job just as good as a man! Listen here city boy,I can do anything a man can do and you didn't answer my question!" "Alright,alright, I can't stand to see a women mad. My name is Luke,Luke King." He tried to stand but screamed with pain and grabbed his arm."Woaw, woaw where do you think your going?"she asked him."I need to go,i can't possibly stay here." "Well with your arm the way it is there's no way your leaving my clinic.So you better get comfortable."

-- Tue Oct 16, 2012 7:57 pm --

if you like it or have any ideas or suggestions please reply, if you have corrections PM me

That's pretty good! In what year is it set? You might want to add that at the beginning, so people know.

One suggestion is the fact that you don't need to repeat the fact that he could die if he looses more blood.

But, it is very nice, you caught me and I want to keep reading.

i did in the original, it's 1880s

-- Tue Oct 16, 2012 8:04 pm --

well i wanted to get my point across God's girl. oh thanks!

Should publish that!

haha i want to gablerbage8! do you really think i can get it published?

First point: the word "was" is passive, and dull. Use more active verbs. Plus, they make your first sentences lifeless. Also, your first sentences are flashback. Big turn off. As far being published, a publisher would roll his eyes at first sentences like that and toss it into the slush pile. This is easily fixable:
There are a few missing commas and such, but I assume you know enough about grammar to spot those yourself if you wish. Here's an one of your sentences with tonnns of was-s:

Rose's mother had died when Lily was born and her father was killed in a train accident just the year before so Rose was on her own.

instead:

Rose felt pride at her independence. But independence, in her case, meant being alone. She banished from her mind for the thousandth time the face of her mother who died when she gave birth to Lily. And her father.... killed in a train accident just the year before. Independent? Yes. She had to be. After all, that's part of being utterly alone.

Cool and likable protagonist. Bloody mess a fantastic opening scene. Fun idea to incorporate personalities of people you know into the book, that is one of the absolute best strategies out there. Great effort!

wow PF, thats really good! i put that in my book if you don't mind.

-- Wed Oct 17, 2012 4:56 pm --

but other wise, you guys like it? I'm trying my best at this. at times i'll look at what i've got and i wanna give up. I'll think that what i have is dumb and wanna throw it away.

MaryBeth_13 wrote:haha i want to gablerbage8! do you really think i can get it published?

You probably could. Well, I really am no judge, but, you could try

hmm well i know a few people i showed it to didn't like it and that just about killed me

Well, if it just about killed you, that show's you're fairly good. The main thing needed in writing a story is caring a great deal about the story. About your plot, about your ideas in the book, most importantly, the characters.
And, honestly, your writing shows a great deal of promise. Don't let criticism discourage you. If any of it is legitimate, it's an opportunity to incorporate their changes and improve your writing. If it isn't good criticism, and it usually isn't, then ignore it.
So, I hope you didn't find my criticism discouraging, criticism is just a hugely important part of the process for me.

that's awesome mary!

That was actually pretty good! It was better-written than your last one. I'm quite intrigued about this story. However, there is no way you could get it published, at least not now. That may seem like a strong and almost mean statement, but it's just the truth. These days, publishers need something very original to catch their eye, so the market for books is more competitive than ever, and only the very best can succeed. And as good as your story was, you're going to need to work on description. If your reader can't picture what's going on and is confused, he's not going to care about the characters. So you're going to need to describe the scene more. I'm not saying paragraphs and paragraphs about the individual buildings in the area are a good idea, as that would bore the reader, but you might want to think about describing what the characters look like, what they are wearing, the city where the story is taking place, etc. However, I found your dialogue brilliant. And your characters were endearing enough to make a fabulous emotional story. And the romantic setting and style to the story was brilliant. But there are some grammatical errors, and you need to indent your paragraphs, or else it just looks like one big, overwhelming mess of words. But other than that, I think it's very good. You're on a good track to being a great writer, you just need to practice and learn more. And you've inspired me to write a short story of my own. I've been wanting to...

umm i do describe what they look like, in the next page which i didn't post.

-- Thu Oct 18, 2012 7:46 pm --

PF, do you think I'm good at writing? I want the truth, so if you say no i need to hear it, dont feel bad if that is the case

It is quite good mb, Wonderful

Thanks

mary, you're doing an awesome job!!!!!

I wanted to show you the part of my book I'm proud of the most. I wanted to put suspense in it so tell me what yu guys think!

Ruby marched over to the saloon and walked inside. She went up the stairs and ran to her room. She slammed her door and ran to her closet. 'I have to get out of here.' She thought. She grabbed her suitcase and packed all that she had. Just then there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. "It's me, Jazzmine." "Come in." "I just wanted to tell you that Peter wants you," She stopped, her green eyes almost popped out of her head. "What are you doing, honey?" Ruby slammed her clothes in the suitcase. "I'm leaving!" "What? Why?" "Because, I'm a Christian now and, and" "And what?" "I'm pregnent." "Your what?" "You heard me." Jazzmine sat down next to Ruby on her bed. "I'm sorry, Ruby." She put her arm around her. "You know this is a tricky business. It happens to all of us sooner or later,but you shouldn't leave because of it!" "But I have dreams and I don't want to stay here!" She looked around the room. "I want to get married and have a family!" "You do have family! Right here!" "I know, Jazzmine, but I want to have children and a husband who loves me!" "What are you going to do? Where will you go?" "I'm going to stay with Rose for awhile untill I can find a job." Jazzmine sighed. "You know we all love you, Ruby, and we'll all miss you." "I know, I'll miss you all too, but it's not like I'm moving. I'll be right in town." "But it's not the same as you being here with us." Ruby hugged her friend. She had loved Jazzmine like a sister. "I know." She pulled away and got back to packing. Jazzmine slowly walked to the door,then turned. "I love you, Ruby." "I love you too, Jazzmine." She said as her friend closed the door. Ruby took the handle of the suitcase and walked out of her room. She walked down the stairs as her boss, Mark, walked over. "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving and you can't stop me!" She shouted. "Oh no your not, Missy!" She kept walking even though he followed. He grabbed her hand. "Let go of me!" He yanked her as she screamed. Peter,the bar tender,gabbed Mark. "What are you doing to Ruby?" "What i have to! She claims she's leaving!" Mark turned back to Ruby. "You ain't going no where!" Ruby tried to run, but Mark kept his grip. She bit his hand and then ran out the door. She kept on running as fast as she could to the clinic but Mark was chasing her. She screamed as he grabbed her and pulled her blonde hair. Just then Will came running. "Mark! Let her go!" "No way, Reverend. Step aside! She's mine!" Mark grabbed a knife out of his pocket and placed it on Ruby's throat. Luke then came running with a gun in his hand. "Mark, if you harm a hair on her head i swear I'll kill you!" Mark laughed. "That's if she doesn't die first!" Ruby tried to speak, but couldn't get the words out. Her heart was pounding. Luke finally spoke. "Mark, if you let her go I won't hurt you." Mark smirked. "Ha! You? Not hurt me? I can see the anger in your eyes! Why, if I didn't have Ruby here then you would have already shot me!" Luke threw his gun on the ground. "Now, let her go! He shouted. "Mark did as he was told. Ruby fell to the ground with tears on her cheeks. She breathed heavily. Will bent down and held her in his strong arms. Mark looked at them both. "This ain't over, Sheriff! I will have my revenge if it's the last thing I do!" He shouted, then walked over to the saloon. Luke bent down to Ruby and looked her in the eye. "Are you alright, Ruby?" She nodded. She didn't want to speak. "What if he comes back and hurts me, Sheriff?" She hardly got the words out, but her voice trembled. "He won't. I'll make sure of it!" She buried her face in Will's shoulder. He gently stroked her hair. "It'll be alright, Ruby." He told her. Just then Luke spoke. "You tell me if he threatens you alright, Ruby? She nodded, but kept on crying. "Lets go over to the clinic and tell Rose what happened." Will told her. He helped her off the ground and put his arm around her as they followed Luke. 'Oh God,' Will thought. 'Protect Ruby, please!'

Wow Mary! I wanna read your book lol!

awesome, mary!