X-Men Captors

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Emma
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X-Men Captors

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Soo, I am starting a new fanfic novel, and need some feedback/criticism. ;P So don't be too surprised.
America swung around on the monkey bars, her muscles flexing as she did. Several other kids were on the rusty old playground, but she took no notice of them. She paused and took a breath, then she pulled herself into a crouching position, and stuck her feet through the bars. She then twisted around so she was facing front. She stretched out to the farthest bar her hands could reach. She now looked like she was lying down. Her straight ponytail smacked her face as she released her tight grip on the sweaty bars doing a short, quick flip and touched down on the ground.
She smiled and waved at a few kids, who were probably wondering why a teenager was on a playground. She picked up her blue polkadot bag, and un-tucked her yellow tank-top.
America skipped the usual routine cartwheel, she wasn't feeling good. It was another of those days. She had better hurry before it happened. She ran across the busy lane stopping in the middle grassy area to breath. Greedily, she gasped up air. She doubled over. She leaned against a telephone pole and took some Advil. Opening her waterbottle she swallowed the pill, meant to relieve pain. She held her breath and kept running.
America felt her hands shaking. Turning a corner she caught sight of the old abandoned warehouse. She nearly tripped herself in her hurry to get in. She slammed the door shut behind her and collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily.
America looked around the warehouse. Brand new cars and pretty much everything one can imagine lay around in a pile. She visited at least once a week. She had too.
America took a deep breath and held out her hands, which were shaking violently.
She pointed her hands to a clearing in the mess, and looked down at her hands. Rainbow colored lights swirled around her hands. America thrust the light toward the clearing, wondering what might appear. The light grew bigger, and bigger, until it was the size of a truck. She stepped closer and watched, eyes big. No matter how many times she did it, she still was fascinated.
The light took form of a motorcycle, a small lithe thing, perfect for America's small stature.
"Well done, my dear.... My dear America," a male voice came striding powerfully through the warehouse, echoing off of the walls. America froze. She knew one day death would come, but not so soon!
Last edited by Emma on Tue Sep 08, 2015 3:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Rosy
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It sounds good so far, though one thing I did notice it there's a lot of very short sentences that could be combined so it's a little less choppy. Also maybe add a little bit more clarification about her powers? I had to read a couple lines over again to understand what they meant, specifically:
Emma wrote:America took a deep breath and held out her hands. They shook so violently, she thought it might be a house!
Other than that I thought it seemed off to a good start!
Please note: I am in no way an expert at writing. ;)
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꿈. 희망. 전진.
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Paula
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I really like how your story is starting out! The quote that Rosy posted above mine confused me as well, but other than that...It's looking good *gold stars Emma* I really like your technique, and how you describe everything \:D/
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Emma
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Thanks Paula!

Rosy: Yeah, I wasn't so sure about the part either. :) Thanks for the feedback!
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Blitz
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Why is the name X-Men Captors? I see she too much. Americas towards the end needs to be capitalized and an apostrophe is need.
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Emma
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Blitz: I am terrible with title's and always make up a dumb title, until the end of the story when I can create a better one, judging on the happenings in the story.
I was wondering how to fix that. Any suggestions?
And thanks. =P

And here is the next part. Since the first part I posted was too short to be a whole chapter, here the rest of chapter one.
"Don't fret, America, I won't hurt you," He chuckled when she leaped on her motorcycle. "You don't need to run. I can help you," America stood stock still as he talked, hand on the key. "Look at me America," he prodded her. Slowly, America turned her head. Her eyes surprised her. A man around 40 sat in a wheelchair. "Yes America. It's me,"
America felt tears spring to her eyes as she dismounted her motorcycle. She took a small step. "Charles?" Her heart lept for joy. "Charles Xavier?" She grinned big. She sprinted across the warehouse to reach him. Her tears fell fast and she felt like a child again. She fell into his embrace and felt him caress her hair.
"I know I know. It's alright," he comforted her. "I knew one day I would find you!"
America stood abruptly,"But it's not alright! Everything is wrong! If I don't make something at least once a week I get sick. Once I had to run from the hospital to get here! There is nowhere for me to go!" She started crying again.
"But America, I started a school. A school meant for kids like you! Remember when I proved to you that I could leave my body?" Wiping her eyes, America nodded.
"Well," he continued. "I have worked it out to where you could come to the school. You could meet other people like you!" He exclaimed excitedly.
America smiled at the thought of it through her tears.
"Come with me America," he held out his arms.
America laughed and hugged him. "Yes! I would love to come!"
"Good. Anything here we can ride there?"
America smiled mischievously. She slung her book bag over her shoulder. "Ever ridden a motorcycle?" She formed a leather jacket in her hands.
"Never," he replied folding his arms playfully.
Minutes later they were one, streaking through night. A little game Charles had devised was a bit dangerous, but they could protect themselves pretty well. America placed her hands on top of Charles'. She worked the brake and the gas pedal. And Charles steered. Together they rode the motorcycle, smothering laughs.
When they arrived at the gate, they both were laughing heartily. The guard let them past without much required. Obviously he recognized Charles, America mused. Several other teens and kids were outside. They shouted and waved when they saw Charles. He grinned and waved back.
America pulled the brake and they came to a stop. Charles immediately went to greet them, leaving America with her own feelings. Was that just in the moment? Should I go back? As soon as the thought left her, she brushed it away. No, I have my own place now at, she glanced at the sign, at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I have own place, she repeated, to reassure herself. She swung her leg over the motorcycle and walked on the pavement to the large building in front of her. Windows in every room, it looks cheery enough. Has to be better than the old warehouse, she told herself.
"Come on America! Meet your roommates!" Charles called. He was old, she knew, but he had this young heart that never left. After all, who could lose their own heart?
America strode faster now, and shouted back, "Coming!" She broke into a run, her bag flapping behind her. She glanced back and saw another guard taking her motorcycle into a garage filled with buses and other vehicle's.

She stepped onto the cool tile floor, getting strange stares from a few kids. Others ignored her completely. She ignored them back and continued following Charles.
He led her into an elevator, and pressed a button for the 5th floor. She stood in awkward silence for the first time since she saw him. The bell broke the silence and she stepped out into the hallway. Charles cleared his throat and motioned for her to follow him. He kept walking until he reached room 201. America heard hysterical giggles inside and watched as Charles opened the door. A couple of butterflies flew into her face and she swatted them away. She peeked around the side of Charles and took a step inside the room.
Three girls sat in yellow and blue informs on a bunk-bed laughing and playing cards. They stopped what they were doing when they realized that they were there.
"Mr. Xavier! And a new student! Hi I'm Dani, I am—" The brunette got cut off by another girl, a blond, shouting, "Nerts!"
The third cut in with,"But we were obviously on pause!"
Finally Dani shouted,"Shush!" They both stopped and looked at us.
"Oh, sorry, I got caught in the moment. I am Athena. And that's Dani," Athena pointed to Dani, even though she knew that Dani had already introduced herself, which rather added to the silliness of the moment. "And this is Cassi."
"I'm America," America smiled. She rather liked these three.
"Well, it's nice to meet you. Before we teach you how to play Nerts," Athena winked, "you should tell us your power."
America's eyebrows flew up.
"Oh come on! You can't be here if you don't have a power!" Cassi complained. "Need some prompting? Here, watch," Cassi held up her hand. Purple lights sparkled and formed a butterfly. The butterfly landed on America's ear, tickling it.
Athena stood up from the bunk and shining white wings unfolded. America gasped, speechless. Athena smirked.
"I'll leave you four to get to know each other," Charles grinned at the girls, then backed out and shut the door.
"And what do you do Dani?" America coaxed.
Cassi leaned over to America and whispered, "She doesn't like hers, so try not to ask her much about it, but I ADORE what she does," America frowned and repeated her question.
Dani rubbed her hands together and grimaced. "Here goes," She whirled her hands and a small baby fox appeared in her hands. She flicked out a fuzzy tail as well. She pulled back her hair and revealed triangular ears. "I... I can summon foxes and teleport them to me. I can control them," she hung her head.
America could hardly believe her ears! This girl controlled foxes, and she was upset about it?! It was crazy! "You're ashamed of it! Be proud of it! That is so amazing!" America exclaimed. "Can I touch it?" Reluctantly, Dani nodded.
America reached out and suddenly the tail whipped her in the face. America shrieked and glared at Dani, but she only maintained her glare for so long; Dani's grin was irresistible. She burst out laughing, the other girls joined in as well.
"Oh Dani, how can you possibly think that this guy was something to be ashamed of? He is absolutely adorable!" No one had noticed that Athena had stolen the fox pup and was cradling it in her arms.
"Gimme him!" Cassi grabbed at it.
"Actually it's a girl, and she is MINE!" Dani screamed a battle cry, interrupted with giggles and lept onto the dog pile, leaving America laughing hysterically.
A crackle of a speaker in the hallway came through the door, and they all sat up, dropping the pup.
"Oh no! Quick, girls, get America her suit, fix her hair! It's time for the Races!" They all started rushing around her and then she was shoved into a bathroom with a yellow and blue suit matching the other girls. Shrugging, she pulled it on and glanced in the mirror. They had somehow pulled back her hair into a twist, and America loved it.
They started pounding on the door, screaming at America to get out. America cautiously opened door with one arm. As soon as she did, she was yanked out and pulled into the hall. They all started chattering at once, so she only heard bits and pieces. "The Races are contests that you race all of the—"
"In one you keep racing until there's only two left, then they time you—"
"My favorite is all of the animals type people that race over an obstacle course—"
Finally America said, "Are we supposed to have masks?"
"Oh yeah, that. They're in the pocket on the left side," Athena said, then resumed telling about a flying contest.
"And America," Dani said seriously,"this is important. It only happens once year. You just happened to get here on the night before it— oh my! You never slept! You never rested! How'll you have enough energy?!" Then they all started talking at once. America sighed. She was in for it now.
By now they were in the Lobby. Lots of other kids were outside, others still making they're way outside.
When Cassi and Dani ran off, America actually started listening to what Athena was saying, after looking all around. "Everyone has to wear name tags because more mutants arrive almost every month!"
"Hold on. We're called mutants?" America asked, confused.
Athena couldn't mask her surprise. "You should know about mutants. Especially if you are one!"
"Woah! Woah! Whoah! Calm down! Why would I be here if I wasn't one?" America was nervous. Should she reveal her power? She had always been to told to hide it. Maybe here was different. After all, everyone else was showing their powers. "I... I do have powers. I... I can create things out of nothing," she blurted out.
Athena gasped. Then she quickly recovered. "Show me!" she pressed.
"Well, I never have shown anyone but Charles, er Mr. Xavier," America scrunched up her nose.
"At least show me in the restroom where no one can see!" she pleaded. "Pleeeaase?"
"Fine," America rubbed her forehead. Athena could be convincing.
They walked down a hall, with couple of other students. America glanced back to make sure that Athena was following. She bumped into a shoulder and instinctively whirled around.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there," she apologized.
The boy smiled and said, "Many don't, since they can't most of the time," and just like that he disappeared. America gasped and waved her hand in the air where he had been standing. She smacked a face with the back of her hand and he reappeared.
"Ooh. Sorry," America winced.
"It's fine," he grinned, rubbing his tan skin where a red spot appeared. "I'm Ty."
"I'm America," she smiled, studying him. He had brown hair, and green eyes. His eyes matched her own. Weird. Athena poked her elbow and she tapped her foot impatiently. America swallowed her annoyance and said,"Well, I'd better go," she waved.
Athena giggled and made googly eyes at America. "Oh hush up," America shoved her playfully.
Athena smirked and led her to the bathroom. She shoved open the door and pushed America in. She stomped her foot and said, "Now show me."
America raised her eyebrows and shook her head as if to say, "That girl."
"Watch," America opened her fist and in her palm a small light swirled around, forming a lollipop.
"I love it!" Athena snatched the lollipop and stuck it in her mouth. She sucked it for a moment, then she grimaced. Her face turned green and she spat it out. She looked at the wrapper. "Hot sauce," she read aloud. "You little!" She swung at America's gut but America dodged her and held her sides as she laughed.
Somehow America got the feeling that she would love it here.
Hopefully this is better. :)
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Blitz
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Some grammar errors and a bit too fast development. None of the characters have gained any depth.

Well titles are hard.
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Emma
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Blitz wrote:Some grammar errors and a bit too fast development. None of the characters have gained any depth.

Well titles are hard.
Yeah, that is true, looking again. Anything in particular I should put in to give them more depth? (It's kinda my first time showing anyone one of my stories, so any help would be appreciated)
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Blitz
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I would say in friendship development, the main character needs some back story.
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Mickey
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It's great I want to read more. It is hard to follow only a little but I do love it!! 4 out of 5 stars.
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O.o Emma! You used the name I've always wondered if someone would use for a name. America. :clap: I think it's a very pretty name, although a little patriotic. ;)
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Emma
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Thanks! I love using that name for such stories as these.

Thank you Micky!

Blitz, I was planning on putting in the second chapter. :P
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Blitz
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Reference to it in first chapter.
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Emma
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I should? Or did I already? *confused*
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Paula
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EMMA! I love it ^_^ I didn't realize that it was an inspiration from the X Men =ooo
I think you did a great job \:D/
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Blitz
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Ah now I get it. Mutants.
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Emma
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Paula wrote:EMMA! I love it ^_^ I didn't realize that it was an inspiration from the X Men =ooo
I think you did a great job \:D/
Thanks. I am not sure how this will work out, seeing as this is getting to be rushed, and other things, I'm not sure how this'll turn out.

Blitz: Yep. Mutants. That is kinda what the X-men are, ya know. ;)
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Blitz
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Yes, I do. I am watching X-men: origins.
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Emma
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Blitz wrote:Yes, I do. I am watching X-men: origins.
Cool. Is it on Netflix so maybe my parents would consider, at the very most, letting me watch it? :D
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Blitz
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I don't know....
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