My Short Story

[ArnoldtheRubberDucky]

One night, (two nights ago, in fact) I was just sitting in front of my desktop, not doing anything too productive, when suddenly I just decided to start writing. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and I wrote a whole page-and-a-half of material for a short story. I'm already developing the plot. So here it is, the first installment:

The pub was old. That was quite apparent; from the rusty metal door loosely hanging by one hinge, to the chipped roof that looked like it might cave in if there happened to be a rainstorm, the little shack wasn't exactly livable. In fact, it was far form livable! Really, it was far from unlivable! You might say it was abysmally mediocre, if you used words like that.
And so it was rather unfortunate that Augusta Typhoon V, the great grandson of the wealthy oil baron Augusta Typhoon II, (though he was never recognized on account of his grandfather) had to stay in such a place. Naturally he had not chosen to do so, as he was a pampered buffoon, but his father had insisted in his will. This pub was where Augusta III (our protagonist's grandfather, the son of the oil baron) had played some of his greatest games of hearts, and so Augusta III had asked his son to spend 100 days at The Swanky Cowboy Pub in honor of him when Augusta turned 21. Augusta IV had supposedly relished his time at the bar, and so he in turn asked his son to spend 100 days at the pub when he turned 21. Augusta had tried to run away from the pub after his father's death, for, as I said before, he was a pampered buffoon, but Augusta IV's dutiful guard James wouldn't have it. He hunted Augusta V down and practically dragged him out to the middle of nowhere, where the only building in sight was The Swanky Cowboy Pub.
And now, standing in front of the pub with James for the first time in his rather short life, Augusta wallowed in disgust.
"You don't -- you don't expect me to live there, do you?"
James took on a thoughtful expression. It was what he usually did when he was thinking about philosophy or religion. Augusta didn't think bodyguards should have their head stuck in a philosophy book all the time, but that's what James did. He had a rather uncommon interest in the world: where it began, how it would end, what we are living for. So far he seemed to have found no answers, only a few dead ends. James rejected evolution, calling it "scientific hogwash" and detested polytheism, particularly the old Greek and Roman religions. He was intrigued by the Big Bang Theory and the religions of Islam and Christianity, but still stated he didn't have enough information to verify whether they were right or wrong. He often called himself a "person who believes in either everything, or nothing at all". He didn't seem to be entirely sure which one.
But while James was an ideologist and philosopher of sorts, Augusta was bored with such things. He didn't see any reason to contemplate his existence, he preferred to just exist. His whole life was mostly self-indulgent, with the occasional ounce of time devoted to someone other than himself.
Finally, after a few minutes of silence where I explained James and Augusta's thinking, James replied. "I don't," he said quietly. "Your father does."
"Let my father rot to nothing!" burst Augusta.
Instead of getting angry, James only looked less interested in the conversation. "Hmm... I don't believe it's my choice," he said.
"What?" Augusta felt terribly confused, for he wasn't the brightest lightbulb in the chandelier.
"Never mind. Such thoughts are only for intellectuals."
Augusta truthfully didn't know what an 'intellectual' was, as he had resisted all teaching his mother had attempted. He didn't want to learn. It was obviously pointless. Life was far too short, and Augusta had received a large sum of inheritance money from his hard-working father, and he could always steal from the peasants anyway, so he saw no reason to get a job.
"Did you just call me an intellectual?" inquired Augusta in an angry tone. James immediately began to chuckle, though Augusta could only wonder why. "Intellectual" could only be some dirty swear word, and that was nothing to laugh about.
"No, my foolish compadre. I did not just call you an intellectual. There are many intellectuals in this world, but you are not one of them. Now if you'll excuse me, I must be off. I have guards posted around the pub in case you -- accidentally try to leave." James winked knowingly before hopping on his horse and riding off into the strikingly bright night.
Augusta watched him go somberly. As strange as he was, James was the last trace of home Augusta had. Even so, Augusta couldn't help feeling furious at James for leaving him at a run-down pub. But there was no escaping the guards, so Augusta thought he might as well just stick it out and be bored and miserable for 100 days before returning to a life of luxury.
And so, with a selfish burning in his heart, Augusta turned and headed toward his home for the next 100 days, not knowing nor caring what lay beyond the broken sign reading The Swanky Cowboy Pub.

As with all stories put on here, I would like readers to be completely honest. I realize that, in paragraph two, the various Augustas can be confusing, but, because of a future plot point I'm thinking of, I don't want to change their names. Anyone have any improvement suggestions for me?

[Pound Foolish]

Only that it has a remarkable mood, that your description works nicely, but it would be good to have some idea of how the characters thus far look (unless perhaps you almost never use James again after this, or something, but I doubt that, and even then some physical description would be nice) and that you are a remarkable writer. There weren't even any grammar problems worth mentioning. Oh, and you have the same problem Mary Beth has, good as you both are: far too many uses of "was." Avoid that word as much as possible at all costs. You'd be surprised how easy it is to rearrange sentences so they don't require "was."
Was that making sense? Err, did that makes sense?

[MaryBeth_13]

hahaha yeah, tell me about it PF!! i hate the word "was" haha

[ArnoldtheRubberDucky]

Well, James will be at the very end, but that's about it. I shall comb through it and attempt to replace many of the "was" instances with something better. I will also add some description of the characters in the next part of the story. I didn't deem it necessary, as the story has not technically started and that first part was only an introduction to the characters. I thank you for your input.

P.S. I changed a couple of the "was"es', but I truthfully had to keep some, as other words would've sounded obnoxious and unfitting for the style of the story.

[Odysseygirl101]

I like this! For a first draft, it's very good. I would add a tad more detail , but that's it! Nice work!

[Aaron Wiley]

This has an incredible tone, I love the concept and I'd really love to see where you take the story. The time for describing James seemed a little out of place though, although maybe it was just the depth you went into right after introducing your main character. I think you've got some great characters though, this story has a lot of potential.

[ArnoldtheRubberDucky]

I know I'm double-posting, but this is not about "My Songwriting Efforts", so...

Anyway, after much careful deliberation and lots of arguing with myself, I have decided to take a break from music and songwriting for the time being. So I'm turning back to writing. And I got what I considered to be a good idea for a short story/novel a few minutes ago. I shall post it:

The story would begin with a man waking up in a dark room that he has never seen before. (sounds like No Way Out, huh? ) But that's to be expected, because this man hasn't seen anything before, or nothing that he remembers. He doesn't recall any past experience on planet Earth, and he doesn't know where he is. He stays in this room for a day before figuring out how to open the door and going out in the outside world. There are rows and rows of rooms identical to his outside. He begins to open the doors to these chambers and discovers animals, plants, and one woman (though he doesn't know what they are). He soon gets to know these animals and the woman, but the plants and animals start to mysteriously disappear soon after he finds them. He also hears a strange rumbling outside whenever they disappear, but he doesn't know what's going on. Then, on the sixth day that he is in these chamber of rooms, he is brought to Earth by God, and he is revealed to be Adam, the first man on Earth. The woman he met in one of the chambers is revealed to be Eve. The story ends right after they explore the Garden of Eden a bit, and it doesn't go into the Fall in the Garden.

As I said, I think this is a pretty solid story idea, but I was unsure whether or not it would be a good idea to add in the "chamber" because it's not in the Bible. Of course, there's no evidence that there wasn't a "chamber" where all the things God created were housed before he brought them to Earth, but I am still unsure whether or not I should write it. Please give your input, as I am unsure whether or not this idea is "right".

[Rosy]

Sounds like a good plot line, CT (or whatever you'd call it). I have the tendency to start a story, then get into the second chapter and have no where to go with it...>__<