So suspenseful! Connie can't die! Especially not over Mitch! (he's not worth it. )
I think the confusing part comes in when things just pop up out of nowhere (it's not too confusing to me because it's the ROC and things happen like that there sometimes). For instance when Jeff appears it's like, where did he come from? And then he just leaves.
But otherwise I love this story even though it scares me---Don't you dare kill off Connie! (I hate it when authors kill canon characters).
Okay you are a good writer. One of the thousands of Amazon writers. Your style is well... okay I am coming off as a person who analyzes books for a hobby. It was good.
Debate Vampire
Everyone (Blitz doesn't count) fears ninjas, except for one: I, Ninjahunter
Can you change me from the monster you made me? Monster: Starset
PART FOUR. Thought I'd forgotten about this, didn't you?
Flash.
What now? Connie opened and shut her eyes. Open. Shut. Open. Shut. Am I stuck like this? Is there no way to get to Heaven now the program is over? Connie flailed her legs and arms, trying to touch something, anything. Even a raspberry soda or ugly sweater.
Then light came, beautifully painful. A room formed, music played, a flash whitened everything for an instant. An office? Purgatory is an office? That figures.
Turning around, she saw him. In his same old dark green collared shirt, his nut brown hair draped over the left side of his forehead.
“Mitch!”
“Uh, yeah, it’s me. Why are you excited about me all of a sudden?”
“You’re my boyfriend, shouldn’t I always be excited about you?”
“Not if every time you’re excited you’re going to jump and squeal my name. People might give your weird looks. Weren’t we having an argument a moment ago?”
“An argument? Oh yeah. Franks Breakfast Inn is a Heavenly signpost. Whatever, sure, you might be right. The initials are a hint. Now, do you have anything else on your mind?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact.” Mitch drew the familiar red box out of his pocket. “Will you marry me?”
“Yes, Mitch. If I could marry you a hundred times, I’d keep on saying, ‘Yes.’” And I will.
“Really. Ooh, why don’t we test that?”
“Huh?”
“Connie, will you marry me?”
“Mitch.”
Mitch drew Connie into a hug. “I love you, Connie.”
Connie waited for the R.O.C. to bring her to her wedding day with a flash, but time went on as normal, and she sank into the hug. The program is over. No more bumping from here to there. It’s just me in this reality now. This is my life.
To be continued
“I absolutely demand of you and everyone I know that they be widely read in every [censored] field there is: in every religion and every art form and don’t tell me you haven’t got time! There’s plenty of time.”~ Ray Bradbury
PART FIVE The below is an excerpt from Connie’s diary.
Little Constance is so cute. Yesterday, I was driving, and she asked, “How come hills flatten out when you go over them?” A little later somebody drove by us with loud music on, and she asked, “How come grownups like being yelled at?” She’s a treasure, and I love her. It’s so amazing, being able to watch my little girl grow up, all over again. How many parents can say that?
As for Mitch, wow. I have the best husband ever. No matter how busy he is, takes time to talk, go bowling, and teach me tennis. This morning got up to make breakfast, but I ended up spending a half hour trying to swat a fly, until I was ready to pull my hair out. Then I saw Mitch watching me and snapped, “What do you want?” Mitch said, “What are you doing?” “What’s it look like?” I asked. “Like you’re a disco dancer in a tornado.” He answered. Then he cooked breakfast, waffles and bacon. My favorite. Learning to cook has taken him months and months, but he’s a determined guy.
It’s also fun being back with Jared and Mandy and all those other great kids, back when they were kids. Thanks to my actually marrying Mitch, Jared hasn’t given me any interesting drawings of cakes and chainsaws.
Often, I’ll almost make a mistake I made in life before and avoid it. But then right afterward I make a new one. Oh well. At least I can change things now. I’m so happy, all through most days.
Speaking of which, Whit’s funeral yesterday was difficult to go through, but I’m glad I was there.
Whit makes me think of my prayer life. That’s the only time this all seems so weird. I’m praying, and I’m telling God about my day. Or asking Him to help Alex pass a test. And asking him to forgive me for being to hard on Constance. But that day, in real life, never happened. Alex passed that test years ago. And Constance isn’t- isn’t isn’t NO. I can’t write that. She’s real, she is ,she IS.
No she isn’t. None of this is. When I pray, that’s when I remember. I can forget for the rest of the day. But it’s all fake. I’m doing my best in this place, trying to give everything to God. What am I giving Him though? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Oh, I can’t write anymore. I feel like I’m going mad.
“I absolutely demand of you and everyone I know that they be widely read in every [censored] field there is: in every religion and every art form and don’t tell me you haven’t got time! There’s plenty of time.”~ Ray Bradbury
It's heartbreaking to see Connie lost in a world that's not real, that's repeating over and over....and to wonder if she might not make it out of this! I especially like the part with Connie's diary.
One thing--some of the tags have a period and capital letter instead of a comma and a lowercase letter. Such as: "Like you’re a disco dancer in a tornado.” He answered.
would be: “Like you’re a disco dancer in a tornado," he answered.
PART SIX
Falling. Connie another life time lived through. Another farewell to Mitch and Constance. Falling. The room materializing. Mitch coming into focus. Here we go again.
“Okay Mitch, I’m sorry. Let’s forget about arguing. You look like you want to ask me something.”
Mitch blinked, then smiled. “I do have something to ask you.” Mitch drew out the ring. He presented it to her. Her heart sparkled. It was about to start for a third time. The wedding. Constance. And Whit’s death. And Jeff’s surprise visit. The fakey prayers. The emptiness. Death again. Falling again. Then it would start over. Over and over.
Connie felt tired.
“Will you marry me?”
Connie clenched her fists. I can’t do it again. I can’t. She grabbed the ring and drew it back to throw it. She looked with surprise at what her hands were doing. “No.”
Mitch stared in shock. No. Not Mitch. Not, not, not Mitch. A hologram stared at her. A computer program. “What? Connie, wh-what’s wrong?”
“If you asked me a hundred times, I’d say no.”
The program rose to its feet. “But, Connie-”
Connie threw the ring into the program’s face. “I won’t marry you!”
Yellow light shone from Mitch's eyes. His hand snapped onto Connie's wrist like handcuffs. "You can never leave."
To be continued
“I absolutely demand of you and everyone I know that they be widely read in every [censored] field there is: in every religion and every art form and don’t tell me you haven’t got time! There’s plenty of time.”~ Ray Bradbury
Pound Foolish wrote:PART FIVE No matter how busy he is, takes time to talk, go bowling, and teach me tennis.
He he.
So, is Connie a good bowler/tennis player now?
even though this is totally not the point...
"Musical training is a more potent instrument than any other, for rhythm and harmony find their way into the inner places of the soul... making the soul of one who is rightly educated, graceful" -- Socrates
Thanks for the comments, everyone. If it wasn't for you guys, this update probably wouldn't be here. This is the next to last, part, stay tuned for the ending.
PART SEVEN
"I'd say, 'Let me go' but that never works in the movies." Connie's hands prickled with oncoming sweat.
"Stay here, Connie." "Mitch" shrugged. "Get everything you want, all over again. Things could be worse."
Connie clawed her nails into "Mitch's" fingers. "All I want is freedom. You can't give me that."
"Mitch" shoved Connie against the wall. His voice transformed into a hissing, guttural growl. "You can't deactivate me Connie."
"You're part of a Room of Consequence program. Whit can turn this off any time he wants to."
"That might be true... If this were a Room of Consequence program. But it isn't. You left the room of consequence a long time ago. You accepted me into your mind and heart over the real world. I've sunk into your consciousness. Wherever you go, I'm with you. Do you understand? I am all you can experience. I am your reality."
The room seemed to grow darker. Connie's heart cracked, and she knew what was cracked can easily break. She kicked her knee into the computer's stomach and jumped on top of him. "You took over me, you can let me go. I don't want my reality. I want God's reality. I want home."
For a moment the computer's eyes burned red. Then, he sneered. "Fine." The wall cracked. Then colors swirled in its center, like the clouds of sunset blown by powerful wind. It reminded Connie of her screensaver.
Then, the colors swept into a circle, revealing a black hollow inside its perimeter. Then an image appeared in it. It showed Whit, Eugene, Penny, Wooton, and Connie's mom.
"We need to give up." Whit shook his head. "It pains me to say it, but she didn't come back because she chose not to. She doesn't want or need us."
Mom's lip trembled. "Well, if she wants a new life instead of her own mother... I'm sorry. I've kept hoping so long. It's just so hard now I've finally accepted it."
Penny twirled a lock of hair around her finger. Her voice cracked. "Why would she do that to us? It's not really fair."
Wooton burst into tears. "WAAAH!"
Connie felt her body going limp. Too much. Everything was too much. "No... no." Connie stepped off of Mitch. "I don't believe it. You're lying, that's not what they're really saying." Connie ripped some cords out of the computer and tied up Mitch. "I wish I was good with knots, but this bow should hold a while." Connie ran to the portal. "Mom! Whit! Eugene! I'm coming."
A flash appeared in front of the portal. It shaped into the silhouette of a little girl, and then it solidified into little Constance. "Mommy. Why do you want to leave?"
Connie froze. "Constance. I'm sorry."
Constance's eyes filled with tears. She hung her head, and her chestnut brown hair hid her tears. "But I love you."
What can I say? Connie slid her hand under Constance's chin. "I've loved you deeply. I don't know how real you are. Maybe you have actual feelings, I don't know. I can't promise anything, but... Maybe someday I'll have a girl. Maybe someday, you'll have a chance to be real." Connie hugged Constance. "I have to go now."
Constance sighed. "Okay." She faded into a an outline. Connie, shaking, walked through Constance. The portal crackled with electric pops on her skin. Her hair floated. Then a stab of pain. Then darkness. Then peace.
Then a hospital room.
to be continued
Last edited by Pound Foolish on Sat Sep 13, 2014 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“I absolutely demand of you and everyone I know that they be widely read in every [censored] field there is: in every religion and every art form and don’t tell me you haven’t got time! There’s plenty of time.”~ Ray Bradbury
"Musical training is a more potent instrument than any other, for rhythm and harmony find their way into the inner places of the soul... making the soul of one who is rightly educated, graceful" -- Socrates
)
Or else I'll give you... THE STARE!!!! lol
It was good.
But who is Emily