Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 6:22 pm
Got a awesome joke (appropiate for the younger)? Post it here.
The Soda Shop Message Boards
A Gathering Place for Adventures in Odyssey Fans Everywhere
https://www.odysseyscoop.com/forum/
Joke Central
https://www.odysseyscoop.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=2521
Page 1 of 12
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 10:03 pm
Darnit! Haha! I had like, 7 I was going to post, but considering the users on this board, I'm betting they'd be considered "inappropriate".
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 1:00 am
Just put it in code so they cant understand it
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 10:43 am
or in white so you can't read it unless you highlight it.fodo14 wrote:Just put it in code so they cant understand it
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:25 pm
Man u just gave it awayC-guy wrote:or in white so you can't read it unless you highlight it.fodo14 wrote:Just put it in code so they cant understand it
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 3:16 pm
Nah, I'll do my part to try to keep the board "clean".
Although, I did hear a pretty funny one just today. It goes something like this:
There's a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi who are good friends, but obviously disagree about some things. One day, they were deep in conversation when the Jewish rabbi began to ask his friend what the deal was with "confession". Instead of trying to explain it to him, the priest invited him to come with him to the next confession. At first the rabbi rejected the idea, but after some persuasion, was convinced to tag along "just this once. The time came, and both the priest and the rabbi were in their little confession booth when people started coming in. The first person came up and began;
"Father, father forgive me for I've committed 3 cardinal sins." The priest replied simply
"Say three "hail Marry"'s and put a dollar in the offering and you're forgiven.". The rabbi looked at his friend confused.
"That's all you do?". The Priest smiled.
"Yep, it's pretty simple actually". The next person approached the booth and started again;
"Father, father forgive me. I've committed 3 cardinal sins. What should I do?"
"Three "hail Marry"'s and a dollar in the offering. You're clean buddy". Again, the rabbi was dumbfounded.
"This is for real?".
"Oh yeah man, it's not that hard. In fact, why don't you try the next one? It's no problem! They can't see you or anything, we're behind this nifty wall thing!". The rabbi jumped back.
"Oh no! I couldn't!"
"Sure you can!" pushed the priest. The rabbi was shoved into place and didn't really have much of a choice when the next person walked up.
"Father, father forgive me. I've committed two cardinal sins. What should I do?". "
Two cardinal sins? Now what do I do?" thought the rabbi. He finally sputtered out "Uh, well I guess you can go ahead and commit another one. They're three for a buck".
Although, I did hear a pretty funny one just today. It goes something like this:
There's a Catholic priest, and a Jewish rabbi who are good friends, but obviously disagree about some things. One day, they were deep in conversation when the Jewish rabbi began to ask his friend what the deal was with "confession". Instead of trying to explain it to him, the priest invited him to come with him to the next confession. At first the rabbi rejected the idea, but after some persuasion, was convinced to tag along "just this once. The time came, and both the priest and the rabbi were in their little confession booth when people started coming in. The first person came up and began;
"Father, father forgive me for I've committed 3 cardinal sins." The priest replied simply
"Say three "hail Marry"'s and put a dollar in the offering and you're forgiven.". The rabbi looked at his friend confused.
"That's all you do?". The Priest smiled.
"Yep, it's pretty simple actually". The next person approached the booth and started again;
"Father, father forgive me. I've committed 3 cardinal sins. What should I do?"
"Three "hail Marry"'s and a dollar in the offering. You're clean buddy". Again, the rabbi was dumbfounded.
"This is for real?".
"Oh yeah man, it's not that hard. In fact, why don't you try the next one? It's no problem! They can't see you or anything, we're behind this nifty wall thing!". The rabbi jumped back.
"Oh no! I couldn't!"
"Sure you can!" pushed the priest. The rabbi was shoved into place and didn't really have much of a choice when the next person walked up.
"Father, father forgive me. I've committed two cardinal sins. What should I do?". "
Two cardinal sins? Now what do I do?" thought the rabbi. He finally sputtered out "Uh, well I guess you can go ahead and commit another one. They're three for a buck".
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:59 pm
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 6:49 pm
Good one Aaron!
Here is one of my personal favorites:
An atheist was walking through the forest, looking at all the beauty around him, when suddenly a bear jumped out onto the path in front of him.
The bear was soon on top of him, when the atheist cried out, "God, please help me!!"
Everything froze, and God replied, "Why should I help you, when all you have done is ignore me?"
The atheist thought a bit, and said, "Well, at least you could make the bear a Christian!"
"Okay." God said, and time returned to normal. The bear got up off the atheist and kneeled down. Then he began to pray, "Dear God, thank you for this food."
Here is one of my personal favorites:
An atheist was walking through the forest, looking at all the beauty around him, when suddenly a bear jumped out onto the path in front of him.
The bear was soon on top of him, when the atheist cried out, "God, please help me!!"
Everything froze, and God replied, "Why should I help you, when all you have done is ignore me?"
The atheist thought a bit, and said, "Well, at least you could make the bear a Christian!"
"Okay." God said, and time returned to normal. The bear got up off the atheist and kneeled down. Then he began to pray, "Dear God, thank you for this food."
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 7:46 pm
That's so funny, I've gotta tell my sister that!C-guy wrote:Godsgirl6153 wrote:Good one Aaron!
Here is one of my personal favorites:
An atheist was walking through the forest, looking at all the beauty around him, when suddenly a bear jumped out onto the path in front of him.
The bear was soon on top of him, when the atheist cried out, "God, please help me!!"
Everything froze, and God replied, "Why should I help you, when all you have done is ignore me?"
The atheist thought a bit, and said, "Well, at least you could make the bear a Christian!"
"Okay." God said, and time returned to normal. The bear got up off the atheist and kneeled down. Then he began to pray, "Dear God, thank you for this food."
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 8:08 am
Godsgirl6153 wrote:Good one Aaron!
Here is one of my personal favorites:
An atheist was walking through the forest, looking at all the beauty around him, when suddenly a bear jumped out onto the path in front of him.
The bear was soon on top of him, when the atheist cried out, "God, please help me!!"
Everything froze, and God replied, "Why should I help you, when all you have done is ignore me?"
The atheist thought a bit, and said, "Well, at least you could make the bear a Christian!"
"Okay." God said, and time returned to normal. The bear got up off the atheist and kneeled down. Then he began to pray, "Dear God, thank you for this food."
That is AWESOME!Re: Joke Central
Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 12:38 pm
I Hindu walks into a Pizza place. He sits down to order, and asks the server "could you make me one with everything?".
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 10:12 pm
I've got 2 more:
When a pastor visited a small congregation, two local pastors treated him to an afternoon of fishing.
After they were in the boat for about a half-hour, the first pastor said, "I forgot my favorite lure in the truck, I'll be right back." He jumped out and walked on the water to the shore. He retrieved his lure and calmly walked on the water back to the boat. The visiting pastor was amazed!
A little while later, the second pastor said he needed to contact his office, but his cell phone was in the truck. He, too, jumped out of the boat, walked on the water to the shore, made his call, and returned to the boat the same way.
At this point, the visiting pastor thought that he should demonstrate the same kind of faith, so he jumped out of the boat, but immediately sank.
The pastors looked at each other and said, "Should we tell him where the stumps are?"
Three friends were talking about how they wanted to be remembered and what friends might say when taking a last look at them in their coffins.
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a spiritual leader, and a family man."
Merle said, "I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher, and a servant of God and that I made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said, " I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "
When a pastor visited a small congregation, two local pastors treated him to an afternoon of fishing.
After they were in the boat for about a half-hour, the first pastor said, "I forgot my favorite lure in the truck, I'll be right back." He jumped out and walked on the water to the shore. He retrieved his lure and calmly walked on the water back to the boat. The visiting pastor was amazed!
A little while later, the second pastor said he needed to contact his office, but his cell phone was in the truck. He, too, jumped out of the boat, walked on the water to the shore, made his call, and returned to the boat the same way.
At this point, the visiting pastor thought that he should demonstrate the same kind of faith, so he jumped out of the boat, but immediately sank.
The pastors looked at each other and said, "Should we tell him where the stumps are?"
Three friends were talking about how they wanted to be remembered and what friends might say when taking a last look at them in their coffins.
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a spiritual leader, and a family man."
Merle said, "I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher, and a servant of God and that I made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said, " I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 10:30 am
Godsgirl6153 wrote:I've got 2 more:
When a pastor visited a small congregation, two local pastors treated him to an afternoon of fishing.
After they were in the boat for about a half-hour, the first pastor said, "I forgot my favorite lure in the truck, I'll be right back." He jumped out and walked on the water to the shore. He retrieved his lure and calmly walked on the water back to the boat. The visiting pastor was amazed!
A little while later, the second pastor said he needed to contact his office, but his cell phone was in the truck. He, too, jumped out of the boat, walked on the water to the shore, made his call, and returned to the boat the same way.
At this point, the visiting pastor thought that he should demonstrate the same kind of faith, so he jumped out of the boat, but immediately sank.
The pastors looked at each other and said, "Should we tell him where the stumps are?"
Three friends were talking about how they wanted to be remembered and what friends might say when taking a last look at them in their coffins.
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a spiritual leader, and a family man."
Merle said, "I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher, and a servant of God and that I made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said, " I would like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!' "
Hilarous! (man, mi gramer iz geting prety bad)Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 10:32 am
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 1:16 pm
C-Guy: I've heard that joke except it was an old man and a gambler!
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:02 pm
All right, how bout this one.SparkyHappyGiraffe wrote:C-Guy: I've heard that joke except it was an old man and a gambler!
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bast----!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:35 pm
Wow, this last one was a local newspaper just a few weeks ago - what are the odds?C-guy wrote:All right, how bout this one.SparkyHappyGiraffe wrote:C-Guy: I've heard that joke except it was an old man and a gambler!
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:33 pm
Wow, this last one was a local newspaper just a few weeks ago - what are the odds?
Let's see, there are 50 states. If each state has 25 divisions and each division has, say 2 local papers, then I'd say that 2 x 25 x 50 = 2500. So 1 in 2500.
Let's see, there are 50 states. If each state has 25 divisions and each division has, say 2 local papers, then I'd say that 2 x 25 x 50 = 2500. So 1 in 2500.
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 8:27 pm
Yup my mom saw it on facebook!!
Re: Joke Central
Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 8:53 am
SparkyHappyGiraffe wrote:Yup my mom saw it on facebook!!
