Joke Central

[HomeschoolCowgirl]

“And this over here” croaked the 90 year old museum tour guide, “is a fossil 4 million and 69 years old, on its left you can see another fossil that’s 2 million and 69 years old.” “Wow! That’s really fascinating,” said a fellow in the audience, “how can you age it so accurately to the year?” “Well that’s simple” answered the old chap, “It was two million years old when I started working here 69 years ago.”

[Connie G.]

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?

[HomeschoolCowgirl]

(This is perfect for me in OK where it is very hot!!)
It was during a heat wave in August one summer when I saw this sign on a telephone pole. “Garage sale this Saturday 7 AM until 100 degrees.”

[Connie G.]

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."

The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

[Okie]

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

[Connie G.]

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

THAT'S TERRIBLE!!!

[HomeschoolCowgirl]

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and said, “Honey, be more careful! Please WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke your finger! How many times to I have to tell you, don’t look up when you're sewing!! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches". The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?! “THAT IS JUST MY POINT!” hollered the husband. “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE?!?"

[John Henry]

This is from "Ranger Bill".

A Mother asked a boy - "Did you take a bath?" The boy answered "No, did you lose one?"

[Tea Ess]

Here is a link to the longest joke in the world: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

It will take you a while to read through it, but the ending makes it worth it. I would suggest reading it when you have a window of time without interruption.

[Doll]

Here is a link to the longest joke in the world: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

It will take you a while to read through it, but the ending makes it worth it. I would suggest reading it when you have a window of time without interruption.

Was that supposed to be funny? O_o

Also, my eyes are acting weirdly after being on that page for so long...

[ArnoldtheRubberDucky]

I fit into the second group. I feel deceived. Still, an interesting idea.

[SirWhit]

Um...interesting...

Very interesting.

[Connie G.]

OK, here is a real joke that came from Ronald Reagan's biography When Character Was King by Peggy Noonan. He is an actor at this point His friend was talking to him about him running for office, but at this point in his life he didn't think himself qualified. His friend is telling the story. IT is kind of long, so I spoiled it. Er...

"When we first started talking to Ronnie about running for office, there was Moon, of course, Ronnie's brother, and Holmes Tuttle was very important. And Ronnie used to say, 'You folks love me, of course you want me. But what about the people out there?' He didn't believe he'd had enough support. So we talked about it, and he decided to go door to door, talk to people, get a sample. He said, 'I'll show you.' And he walked up to a door in Los Angeles and a lady answered. And he said, 'I'm just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by. I'm sort of thinking about running for governor and--' And she says, 'If you're running for governor, whatta you do for a living? How do you support yourself; what experience do you have?' He said 'I'm an actor' She said, 'Oh gosh, I know all you actors, I see movies and I read about you; you look familiar.' She said, 'My friends play a game with me, they just give me the initials, RM - that's Robert Mitchum - or JC - that's Joan Crawford. So we play the initial game and I know everybody.' So Reagan laughs and says, 'Okay, I'm RR.' She smiles, recognition on her face, she says 'I know you. I recognize you. I've seen all your movies, your're wonderful.' She said, 'I'm gonna call my husband to the door, I want him to meet you!' Ronnie said, 'I'd love to meet your husband.' She says, 'Honey! Come here! Roy Rodgers is at the door!'"

[Tea Ess]

Yes, I found it to be very interesting.

*runs from all the people trying to kill him now* My sister was mad that I wasted a half hour of her day. hehehe

Wren:

No, it's supposed to be like that. There's a ton of useless buildup, and then a lame pun at the end.

[John Henry]

Why did the crab stop excercising?

Because his mussels got sore

[HomeschoolCowgirl]

I read the whole thing - top to bottom. It's over 42 meters long! It was... well... interesting.

[jehoshaphat]

I found it funny. I sat there and read the whole thing, very amusing.

[GratiaDei]

That was somewhat anticlimactic, but it was a good story, if a horrible joke.

[Tea Ess]

That was somewhat anticlimactic, but it was a good story, if a horrible joke.

Spoiler-ed. But yes, I quite agree.

[John Henry]

Concerning the longest joke: that would make a book.