Contending with the Critical Non-Critics
By Jared Walczak
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March 2, 2002
It was a dark and dreary night.
Scratch that. That is the
dumbest start ever written. However, no one
knows why. It's famous, but not liked. Let me try this again.
Call me Ishmael!
Better cut that out as well. It
would work great except for the fact that my name isn't Ishmael and I would never
want anyone to call me that.
Forget the captivating introductory sentences. Just get on with reading the article.
This, like all my articles, has one purpose: to make someone laugh - even
if the only person who does so is me. This is
a critical piece, but don't take the criticism seriously. If you do, you will be angry. But don't be!
Be a Happy Smiler; just keep on smiling! If
I criticize you, here's what you can do: write me a nasty letter at
jared@odysseyradio.com. Better idea: just KEEE---EEEP Smiling! But remember, this is a joke!
Onto the article…
By the way, I do have a website. And
this site has a URL. And this URL is
odysseyradio.com. And it has broadcasts. About Odyssey. And—
Really, I'm getting on to the article RIGHT NOW!
You know the type. Happy. Smilers. Happy
Smilers. Joyful. Counting it all Joy. So happy, so naive.
And when you anger them, so dangerous. They
are…
Those so very critical non-critics.
Those who critically look at your critical views and criticize them. Those who blindly pledge allegiance to all
Odyssey characters, then turn around and viciously attack those who in the least bit
question any minute thing about those characters. Yes,
you know the type. I call them the Critical
Non-Critics. That is the third time I have
said that phrase. Stick around and I'll
use it some more!
In this article, I hope to explain how to deal with this dangerous group. But to deal with them, we need to know who they
are. Here are some helpful hints that a
person might be a Critical Non-Critic.
1.)
They don't
like you.
2.)
They don't
like your opinions.
3.)
They like every
Odyssey character that you don't like
4.)
They like every
Odyssey character that you do like
Before we move on, a word of caution:
If you mention Wooten in anything other than a positive light in their
presence, be prepared to experience a brief unconsciousness resulting from the same action
that caused the huge lump on your forehead. This
lump was likely caused by a fist, which was likely swung at you, which was likely the
result of a brain commanding the muscles to contract in such a fashion, which usually
implies that someone is angry at you. In this
case, it's probably the person that hit you. In
fact, that applies to most cases. And
speaking of cases, hire Harlow. He has fallen
on hard times.
Back to Wooten.
Before you shout that we were never discussing him in the first place and
therefore cannot go back to the topic of Wooten, let me state that we were never
discussing him in the first place and therefore cannot go back to the topic of Wooten, but
we are irregardless. And before you say
irregardless is either not a word or it just ain't a good word or it just
doesn't fit the syntax of this sentence, let me say that irregardless of what you
say, I plan to use it… irregardless! Don't
like it? Write your own piece!
As I was saying…
Wait, this is a written piece. As
I was writing... Uh, you get the idea. Irregardless (gramor paw-lese, mee leaf alooone!) …
Why do I bring up Wooten in this article?
Three reasons.
1.
Because without
him I have no article.
2.
Because he has
made appearances on recent episodes, including Plan B.
3.
This reason not
yet formulated, but having three points looks better, doesn't it?
Returning to our discussion… (and don't tell me that discussion
means you get to talk as well… this is my article!)
Let me draw a parallel between Wooten and babies. Well, not actually between him and babies. But keep reading; I'll explain what I mean if
I can only determine what I mean. You
probably think I'm going to lay out the milk versus meat argument. That would be logical. Therefore, I won't do it.
Babies teethe. Babies always
want something to chew on, but never something to digest.
They always want to chew on what is bad for them.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Wooten Bassett! Something to chew on a bit, but not good enough to
swallow. Someone definitely not good for your
health.
Therefore, we can conclude that Wooten is for babies. How did I come to that conclusion? Because I said so.
Don't question me!
In fact, just the other day I, along with a panel of respected
representatives of Large and Universal Network and Association for Technical
Identification and Caution Services (commonly known as LUNATICS) presented the FDA with a
suggested Warning Label for Wooten-related episodes.
If approved, the label would read:
"The
FCC General has determined that Wooten is bad for your health and may cause
hyperventilation, stress, anger, and temporary and/or permanent mental
loss."
Those that like Wooten don't like those who don't. Now that you know who they are, what can you do
to protect yourself? We'll look at
that and more after these messages from our sponsor who is only our sponsor
‘cause the advertised site is my site and I want to put my link in.
-----SPONSOR MESSAGE-----
Go to OdysseyRadio.com right now.
Great. Why are you still
reading this? I said now!
-----END THIS MESSAGE-----
Welcome back.
What can you do about those who like Wooten? Find out after another commercial break.
What's that? You already
heard about my site? Ok, forget it. Back to Wooten-likers…
("But wait," you say.
"Where
we talking about Wooten or Wooten-likers?
And what's a Wooten liker?" To you I
say, "Be quiet and keep reading… I hate interruptions!")
This is what you should do:
1.)
Ignore them.
2.)
Ignore them.
3.)
Did I mention
ignoring them?
Don't even try to convince them.
It's a wasted effort... a lost cause… the use of a great deal of time and
substantial effort in an attempt to convince someone of something they will never be
convinced about.
In short, it won't work.
Let me now shortly sum up this article:
1.)
Those who like
Wooten are weird.
2.)
Those who like
Wooten are crazy.
3.)
Those who like
Wooten must be considered dangerous (they are warring against common sense)
4.)
There are more
that like Wooten than those that hate him, but don't be intimidated.
British expert on Wootenism,
Winston Churchill, once addressed a group who stood strong against that great opposition
known as the Wooten-likers. He shouted to the
audience over a tremendous roar, pausing often for applause to subside. Strongly, with a
mighty voice he addressed them, instilling courage and freedom from fear. His words of advice rang true, and we would do
well to heed him.
"This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never,
never-in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of
honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the
apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."
And
what enemy is greater than the ever-growing, always advancing enemy forces… marching
under the banner of Wootenism?
Be prepared for capture and
suppression of your beliefs, for they are a strong and mighty force…
BUT THOUGH YOU MAY GO WITH THEM….
NEVER, NEVER GIVE IN!
-----------
Note I: I quoted Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of Great
Britain. The quote is real. The setting isn't. The words were actually spoken at Harrow School on
October 21st, 1941, and, of course, the topic was World War II.
Note II: I made it seem like those who like Wooten are, to put it mildly,
"armed and dangerous." I was going
a little off the deep end there.
"Wacky,
crazy and goofy" might be a better description.
Note III: I really don't mean to offend anyone with this article! It's all in fun!
Note IV: Yes, ‘honour'
is spelled right in Winston Churchill's speech.
He is British, remember!
Note V: It looks better to have five notes, doesn't it?
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